Monday Night Raw – April 16th, 2012
Two weeks until Extreme Rules. Seems like it’s always a countdown to something in WWE. Brock Lesnar has been added to the intro credits already; quicker than normal. I don’t think Lord Tensai is in there quite yet. As per normal when the WWE is in London, we’ve got the London cab and telephone booth on stage. Yawn.
Match 1 – Mark Henry vs CM Punk (c), WWE Title Match (No countout, no disqualification)
Cold open to a WWE title match, which speaks volumes about how much WWE values their titles. Not to say they don’t value CM Punk, but they definitely don’t value the hunk of gold around his waist. Mark Henry gets the jobber treatment here; even on a recorded show, they couldn’t manage to make room for his entrance for a WWE title shot. Punk opens with quick kicks to the thighs and movement around the ring. Henry grabs a hold of him and lays in with a headbutt and a club to the back.
Punk responds with more kicks, but runs into what looked like a try at a back body drop, but quickly converted into a spinebuster slam. The action spills outside and Punk lands a suicide dive. Henry responds with an irish whip into the stairs and then throws Punk into the ring post, followed by a choke. Henry rushes Punk, but he gets his boot up into Henry’s face twice, then runs the barricade and lands a jumping bulldog, which was a great spot.
Punk struggles to get Henry into the ring and yells at the ref to give him a hand. Punk lands kicks into Henry’s back and attempts a hurricanrana off the apron, but Henry catches him and flings him into the barricade to lead us into commercial. Back from break, Henry has control in the ring with a neck wrench, which he follows with a body attack in the corner. Henry stands on Punk’s chest, but Punk rolls to the apron and hotshots Henry across the top rope. Landing outside, Punk heads over to the announce area and grabs a steel chair.
Rolling back in, Punk lands a jab to Henry’s gut followed by a chest shot, both with the chair, but it’s only good for a two count. Punk lifts the chair for an apparent head shot, but Henry lands a back kick and takes the chair from a fallen Punk. Henry whacks Punk across the back, then wedges the chair into the corner (Mark, you should know better – this ALWAYS backfires!). Punk stops Henry from whipping him into the new hazard and lays into Henry with strikes in an adjacent corner. Punk hits the ropes for momentum, but Henry clotheslines him. Henry then settles into a bearhug.
Punk elbows his way out, then chopblocks Henry and lands a DDT while the big man is on his knees for another close two count. Punk ascends the top rope and ties a cross body, but Henry catches him. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Punk goes up and over and kicks Henry in the side of the head, which leads to Henry stumbling to a corner. Punk lands the running knee, but gets tossed off on the bulldog follow up. Henry charges Punk, but he dodges and Henry runs into the chair (told you!). Punk rolls out to grab the chair, climbs to the top and delivers a flying elbow drop with the chair across Henry’s chest. It’s good for the win.
Winner: CM Punk via pinfall
Chris Jericho appears on the Titantron and it’s more rhetoric about Punk being a potential alcoholic, then he shows cell phone footage of Punk going into a pub today. Just prior, Jericho announces that he has ‘earned’ a WWE title shot at Extreme Rules, and it will be a Chicago Street Fight. Apparently losing clean at Wrestlemania and jumping a guy earns you a title shot now a days. Punk says he had gone to the pub to enjoy some fish and chips with friends, prompting a “fish and chips!” chant from the London crowd. Jericho says that Punk is heading down the path to alcoholism, and when Punk tries to respond, the ‘feed’ to Jericho cuts out, leaving the champ frustrated. This was a fun match to open the show; nothing spectacular, but Punk always gets a crowd happy and it’s a good precursor to Extreme Rules. It is not, however, a good precursor to an Extreme Rules match later in the night.
R-Truth is in the back, dressed as Sherlock Holmes and says he is looking for a job for Teddy Long. Spoilers: This bit goes nowhere all night.
Match 2 – David Otunga vs Santino Marella (c), United States Championship match
Santino enters and starts peeling off football (soccer) jerseys until he gets to the right team for London. Easy heat and cheers for a face. Otunga enters and gets no reaction. That’s even worse than boos. They lock up and Otunga delivers an elbow and a slam to Santino. Otunga lays in with forearms to the chest. Otunga kicks off the ropes to deliver an elevated elbow for a two count. Otunga whips Santino, but he begins to fight back with signature jabs.
Santino tries his split dodge, but Otunga has wised up, stops short and boots Santino in the mush. Santino gets up and walks into The Verdict from Otunga, followed by Otunga hitting the mat for a cover and then immediately floating over to the other side to allow Santino to get his foot on the ropes for a break as the ref counted three. The match doesn’t end, leading to argument from Otunga. Santino hits his split dodge, hip toss, headbutt and The Cobra for a clean win to retain
Winner: Santino Marella via pinfall
Okay for a quick match to make the crowd happy, but the rope break spot just reeks of someone who is either still way too green to be in these matches or someone who just outright has no ring knowledge. Either way, it made Otunga look like a complete moron as a wrestler. I’m also not thrilled with both Raw titles opening up the show, but there’s not much I can do about that…other than complain.
Lord Tensai is in the back with Sakamoto and is about to be interviewed. Sakamoto begins to speak, but Tensai stops him. We fear the unknown, Tensai speaks Japanese, and then “I know what you should fear”. If it’s not fear itself, I assume he means Tensai. Not a great bit, and didn’t get much accomplished, but the guy can only do so much with a given gimmick.
Next we have a pre-recorded interview with Brock Lesnar. Shy of typing this thing out verbatim, a summary: Brock is the youngest WWE champion ever. He was a UFC heavyweight champion. He is back in WWE for business and for himself. He aims to legitimize the company, because everyone is tired of John Cena’s bullcrap. Cena only became a star because Lesnar left. Had he remained, Cena would be carrying his bags. Lesnar says that Cena is scared pissless and shitting his pants. Lesnar will bring the pain to Cena, because beating people up is what makes him happy. We’re then treated to a graphic informing us that Lesnar/Cena will be an Extreme Rules match at Extreme Rules.
Match 3 – Zack Ryder vs Kane
We see a recap of Kane making Ryder miserable for months, including chokeslams onto, off of and through various surfaces and being wheeled off the stage. With a match ready to go, we cut to a replay of Smackdown and Kane attacking the Ortons. This would have fit better before the men made their entrances, quite frankly. To open the fight, Kane boots Ryder off the apron and throws him into the announce table. Ryder is rolled back into the ring and takes a high chokeslam. Kane grabs a mic and speaks to Randy Orton. Kane enjoyed the joyful reunion last week, but he’s disappointed that Randy didn’t put up a fight. So our third match was not a match. Poor Zack Ryder is made to look the fool yet again.
Winner: No contest
Kofi and AJ are speaking in the back and Daniel Bryan enters. Bryan says that just because he doesn’t want AJ doesn’t mean it’s open season. He shushes AJ when she pipes up and says to just watch what he does to Kofi. Bryan then says “Who did Gene Labell ever beat?” and renames the Labell Lock to the Yeslock, because Kofi will tell the ref “YES!...YES!....YES!”. After about 10 “Yes”s in Kofi’s face, Kofi turns to go prepare for their match tonight. If I had to wager a guess, they wanted to see how many “Yes”s they could pull before one of them cracked and Kofi had to bail. Fun bit and the silliness of the Yeslock works for Bryan’s character at the moment.
John Cena enters the arena to a chorus of boos and tells us that that may very well be the end of his era. The crowd answers with “Yes” chants. Cena says that Lauranaitis is now the most powerful man in WWE and he hates John. Johnny aims to end and replace Cena. Johnny won’t just fire Cena (even though he’s more than willing to fire his World Heavyweight Champion), he wants to end him via Lesnar at Extreme Rules. Cena admits that he is a bit scared of Lesnar; any man who says he is fearless is a liar. Cena will fight Lesnar, regardless of the outcome. Lauranaitis enters and announces that to prepare Cena for Extreme Rules, he will have an extreme rules match tonight against a mystery opponent, because that’s apparently “people power”. Next week, on a three hour Raw, Lesnar and Cena will sign the contract for Extreme Rules. Contract signings or always dumb.
Hornswoggle is reading in a fake library and R-Truth enters through a bookcase secret passageway which perplexes the little fella, who can’t open the bookcase back up.
Match 4 – Kofi Kingston vs Daniel Bryan
Bryan opens with a quick double wrist suplex then “YES”s right in Kofi’s face. Kofi answers with forearms to the face, but Bryan counters with a whip to the corner and a dropkick. Bryan lands an armbreaker and an armbar, then wraps Kofi’s arm in the ropes. Bryan unloads a kick on Kofi, then whips him to the ropes and delivers a knee to the gut.
Bryan bridges Kofi’s arm up and stomps the elbow. Kofi gets to his feet and begins to fight back, but Bryan gives him a European uppercut and a kneedrop. Bryan keeps Kofi grounded with a hammerlock. Kofi gets to his feet and swings up for an elevated snapmare (which Bryan ends up taking a header into the mat from), followed by signature double leapfrogs and a back elbow.
On the outside, Bryan whiffs a knee off the apron and Kofi hops to the top turnbuckle and springs off to the outside with a cross body. Since something happened outside the ring, we head to a commercial! Back to the action, Kofi counters a hip toss into a monkey toss. Bryan answers with a drop toe hold to the turnbuckle then stands in Kofi’s chest and neck. Bryan lands kicks to the chest in the corner to a chorus of “YES”. Out of the corner, Bryan takes Kofi over with a snapmare and a kick to the back.
Bryan settles into a chinlock, but Kofi fights out. Kofi starts with his usual loose and sloppy clotheslines and double chops, followed by the Boomdrop. Kofi preps for the Trouble in Paradise but Bryan dodges and goes for the Yeslock, which Kofi counters into the SOS for a close two count. Kofi lands boots in the corner, then counters a rushing Bryan with a kick to the head, then heads to the top rope. Bryan looks for a superplex, but Kofi fights him off and goes for a flying crossbody, but comes up empty. Bryan immediately hops on Kofi and locks in the Yeslock for the win.
Winner: Daniel Bryan via submission
The fans go bananas for Bryan and he slaps on the Yeslock again, prompting Sheamus to run out to the ring to help Kofi. He airballs a Brough Kick attempt and Bryan heads up the ramp. The men involved in a rematch in two weeks make no physical contact; this is a good call and I hope it continues until the PPV. The match itself was very entertaining, and short of me hating Kofi’s strikes since he barely makes physical contact with his opponent, the action was solid.
The slam of the week is from two weeks ago. And is Santino landing a Cobra. I miss the days of the slam of the week being a big slam…from this week.
Match 5 – Brodus Clay vs Dolph Ziggler
Vickie introduces Dolph, who opens the match with a dropkick. Clay catches Dolph and delivers a t-bone suplex. Swagger tries to drag Dolph out, but Clay drags them both in. Clay delivers a headbutt and then launches Ziggler with a very high flapjack. Vickie kicks one of Clay’s dancers and laughs, then Naomi (the actual wrestler-dancer) chases her in, Brodus jiggles in her general direction and Naomi shoves Vickie down. In all of this, Ziggler was disqualified.
Winner: Brodus Clay via disqualification
It was just barely different than a normal Clay match, but the gimmick hasn’t gone any further and really needs to begin progressing, otherwise the crowd is going to get tired of him.
Johnny is in the back and tells Otunga that if he committed and focused on wrestling like he does working for Johnny, the sky’s the limit. Horse shit. Eve shows up and they go away to have a meeting. And that’s the last we see of that for the night.
Chief Jay Strongbow is honored via a video, as he recently passed.
Truth is still looking for a job for Teddy Long. He says Long should be GM of Smackdown, as he has so much experience. Long reminds Truth he was fired from the job. Great time waster, WWE. As usual, nothing comes of this.
Match 6 – Great Khali and Big Show vs Primo and Epico Colon
Khali opens with over hand rights and more strikes. Rosa pulls the Colons out of the ring and they grab their tag titles (oh right, there are WWE tag champs) to bail. Big Show grabs them and tosses them back in to take Brain Chops from Khali and then Show and Khali land stereo Chokeslams (Khali’s is a Punjabi Plunge, but whatever).
Winners: Great Khali and Big Show
Throughout this match, Abraham Washington (just referred to as AW) is on stage scouting. We have no idea who he is scouting, and he still hasn’t signed anyone. Maybe at some point something will come of this. Maybe not. Whatever.
Match 7 – John Cena vs Lord Tensai, Extreme Rules Match
Lord Tensai is revealed as Cena’s mystery opponent. Personally, I like seeing him used as something other than a squash match machine. Featuring him as a threat to Cena is a good way to elevate him. The men exchange strikes, but Tensai takes control. Cena blocks a suplex, and lands one of his own. Tensai answers with a clothesline. Tensai whips Cena to the corner hard and boots him in the face. Tensai whips him across to the opposite corner and hits a body attack. Cena rolls out of the ring. Tensai follows and lands kicks. Right hands from Cena to begin fighting back, but Tensai whips him into the stairs. Tensai sets up for a powerbomb on the outside, but Cena backdrops him.
Cena picks up the stairs and hits Tensai in the head with them. He then rolls Tensai back in the ring. Sakamoto kicks Cena in the back on the outside and Otunga (who came out with Lauranaitis to observe the match) rolls him back into the ring. Tensai lands his signature stalling butterfly suplex for a two count. Tensai grips Cena with a nerve hold, but Cena fights to his feet. He tries to lift Tensai for an Attitude Adjustment, but can’t land it.
Tensai whips Cena to the corner again (that’s a lot of whips) but whiffs the body avalanche this time. Cena lands a shoulder and begins the usual routine. When he gets to the Five Knuckle Shuffle, Tensai gets to his feet quickly and chops Cena in the face to stop him in his tracks. Tensai lands a standing senton for a two count. Tensai drops a leg across Cena’s arm and settles into a fujiwara armbar. Cena rolls through into a crossface, which was admittedly smooth, but Cole manages to ruin the moment by calling it an STF.
Where’s the stepover and toehold part of that facelock, Michael? Otunga hits the ring but gets an Attitude Adjustment for his efforts. Tensai readies and fires off a Green Mist into Cena’s face and then lands the Baldo Bomb/Derailer/Choke Bomb (Tensai doesn’t have a name for this yet, apparently), which Cole manages to ruin yet again, simply calling it a powerbomb. On the bright side, the *insert descriptor here* bomb is good for a win over Cena.
Winner: Lord Tensai via pinfall
Cena’s face is green and apparently burning, so he asks for water to clean out his eyes. It apparently doesn’t work too well, but the show ends on that note.
A much better Raw than last week, but bookending the show with no-dq matches (not to mention opening with two title matches) is still a bit backwards. Michael Cole continues to infuriate me with his lack of ability to do his job, other than garnering legitimate hate from fans. That’s not the right kind of hate. We now know that Cena/Lesnar will be an extreme rules match at Extreme Rules; not much of a revelation. Punk/Jericho really hasn’t advanced much, as Jericho continues with the same rhetoric.
Their match is a Chicago Street Fight…which is also basically an extreme rules match. Daniel Bryan continues to be a self-made fan favorite; here’s hoping he doesn’t get the Zack Ryder treatment any time soon. The Yeslock is going to be beloved by the fans over; much more so than his boring old finisher, the Labell Lock.
2:26 PM
Chris Catanzarite
