Walking Dead Issue #100

Spoilers throughout!
If you are reading this then you have either heard of the Walking Dead series or you are morbidly fascinated by zombies.  Being there are a video game, a TV show, and an extensive comic book series I am going to assume you have knowledge of the series.  The most recent issue of this epic series it the milestone #100.  It is the longest issue to date and Robert Kirkman has pointed out it is one of the most violent and disturbing issues to date.  Having read this issue I have to agree...to a point.  It is extremely violent, for a couple of pages.  Not the explosive violence we saw in issue #48 (The demise of the Governor and Lori) but the violence that we are subjected to is brutal and all focused on one main character.  As far as disturbing goes, well I must agree this issue is disturbing.  Is it worse than Michonne getting rapped and systematically beaten for days on end by the Governor?  The actions are not worse but what happens and the way it happens is more disturbing.

The story of the book continues with the "Something to Fear" saga and this is part 4 out of 6.  I must give credit to Kirkman for staying true to his 6 part series within the Walking Dead even though it must have been tempting to take a different route and maybe even end this arc early due to the milestone issue.  Instead Kirkman was able to hold true to form and make this milestone issue, something memorable without tainting his own story and rushing to a conclusion. 

The issue itself really happens fast.  It takes place in less than one night and the events are dramatic.  We left off with Rick and his company facing off against the Saviors and Negan.  In this specific issue Negan and his band of 50 Saviors ambush Rick, Heath, Glenn, Carl, Maggie, Sophia, and Michonne.  The main characters who were bum rushed here are lined up on their knees in front of the series new antagonist Negan.  Negan begins to monologue about how he is the boss and Rick is the past.

To  enact revenge and show he is not kidding he chooses one of the characters who is on their knees at random to kill with his trusty weapon Lucille which is a baseball bat wrapped in barb wire.  The unlucky victim is Glenn who is stood in front of Negan as Maggie and Sophia cry and sob.  Glenn attempts to talk Negan out of it and Negan then smashed Glenn's head with Lucille.  He then goes on to taunt Glenn who is a dead man walking (pun definitely intended) while Glenn tries to say Maggie's name.  Negan responds to this by continuing to beat Glenn to death with the bat.  Negan then tells Rick that he now owns the Alexandria safe zone, and that Rick must pay half of their possessions as their normal tax.  He leaves the group of Rick and company with the dead disgusting corpse of Glenn.

Besides from Glenn being brutally murdered the most disturbing part of the issue is how hopeless things seem.  Even with the Governor we knew that there was something, a glimmer of hope.  With Negan he blindsided the group, he murdered a fan favorite, and the way he spoke made you actually fear him.  He is a scary bastard and only time will prove how bad he truly can become.

 Comparisons will be drawn between the Governor and Negan.  A key difference is that the Governor is a sadistic psychopath while Negan is a sadistic sociopath.  The psychopath is driven by psychosis and insanity while the sociopath has no empathy and feelings for anyone.  He is like a serial killer let loose in the apocalypse.  It is likely that while the Governor rapes, murders and tortures Negan will do similar things in a much more violent and disturbing manner.  The Governor kept his daughter as a zombie as a pet.  Negan is not the type of man who would do this, he is the type of man who would bury Lucille into the head of his daughter if it suited his needs.  Is the Governor the worst of the worst?  Or is this Negan more of a Dark Lord that has much more control than the Governor could ever even ask for.  Speaking of which what the hell kind of name is Negan anyway? 

The main cover of this issue showed Lucille and Negan.  They stood in a menacing stance that let you know upon holding the book things are going to be very bad.   It is the type of cover to introduce a character.  The reason I bring up the cover art is not issue 100, but issues 101 and 102.  Issue 101 is a man holding a crossbow but his head is not revealed.  Speculation is that this character is Dwight from the Saviors, but I for one do not believe it is him.  I think this is the first comic appearance of Daryl Dixon from the television series. Compare the crossbow it is the exact same piece.  The introduction of this anti-hero could be what Rick and his company need to overcome the Saviors. 

Daryl Dixon is that you?

I'm going to leave you with these questions.  Do you think that Daryl Dixon is on the cover.  The logic makes sense to introduce a character of this magnitude in issue 101 when things seem hopeless.  Also who do you think is brandishing the machete on the cover of issue 102?  Maybe Daryl's brother Merle?  If it is Daryl do you think he is a defector from the Saviors or maybe a drifter, how could be introduced to the series and make it work?  Time will tell. 

 

Who do you think this character is?

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Retrofix: SpaceBalls

“Keep firing, assholes!” could be one of the greatest lines written in film, especially for a gamer. How many times have you played Call of Duty or Halo or whatever and been on a team with that guy with the LMG who shoots at EVERYTHING? When that happens, I almost always shout this line over the mic at them. Thanks to Mel Brooks and his brilliant 1987 comedy, Spaceballs, I can keep this line in my online gaming verbal abuse arsenal.
Brooks, known for his over-the-top comedy spoofs, is a god in my eyes for creating this film. As a nerd, film lover, and comedy enthusiast, this could be one of the most perfect movies in creation for me. He hilariously pokes fun at some of the greatest sci-fi films, such as the Star Trek, Star Wars, and Aliens movies, while creating a genuinely humorous film. Unlike the Seltzer and Friedberg shitstorm “Movie” movies (Epic Movie, Superhero Movie, etc), he’s not just making fun of these movies for the sake of making fun of them -- he’s actually taking something that they have done well and building off of it. Spaceballs is its own film, even if it appears to be ripping others off.

One of my biggest pet peeves in movies and TV is when the fourth wall is broken. I don’t even know why, but I hate it. Comedies are the only films that can get away with it (see: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) and Spaceballs is no exception. The fourth wall is practically nonexistent with the amount of times it is broken. Within the first five minutes of the film, Dark Helmet has looked directly into the camera and spoken to the audience. Later on, the camera is slowly dollying in on his helmet, only to get too close and crash into him. It’s all just so stupid that you can’t help but laugh and I can’t help but love it. One of the best scenes in the film is one that DESTROYS the fourth wall. While the bad guys are trying to find our heroes, one suggests that they watch the Spaceballs video tape. They grab a copy of the film and fast forward until they are watching themselves in that scene. It’s hilarious trying to watch them figure out what’s happening while making it more confusing than it should be. The film knows that there is an audience watching it and it uses that knowledge to poke fun and make it enjoyable.
I think the best thing that this film has going for it is its quotability. While you won’t hear people quoting it the way they do with films like Anchorman or Superbad, it still has tons of classic lines. In fact, I quote the scene mentioned above whenever I fast forward through something. I’ll be with friends and if someone suggests we skip a scene I will almost always end up saying, “Prepare to fast forward!” In fact, while I was watching the film to make a list of why it’s so good, three-fourth of it consisted of classic quotes.  One of my favorites comes from people literally combing a desert. Everyone has a regular comb, but the only two black guys are combing with an afro pick. When asked if they’ve found anything, one of them yells back, “We ain’t found shit!” To this day, that is still one of my favorite movie moments.
Spaceballs isn’t a film you’ll most likely see on many (if any) best or favorite movie lists, but it still deserves acknowledgment. Brooks did an incredible job at parodying some hugely popular films while still creating something legitimately entertaining and thoroughly humorous. I know many won’t agree with me but Spaceballs is easily one of his, if not his all time, best films and a staple in the parody genre.

-Nick Yovino

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Project M Character Analysis: Charizard

Continuing on our path down the roster of Project M, we come to Charizard, now without a trainer and with a couple of new tricks up his...wing.  The team over at the Project M site have focused a lot more on Charizard's secondary Flying type in their reworking of his moveset.  Charizard keeps the (admittedly coincidental) theme of strong aerial games in our looks at Project M thus far.  Even though he is a large character, he is very mobile, with a quick run speed on the ground and a host of viable options in the air.  Your focus with Charizard is going to be keeping your foes in the air, so let's have a look at how we get them there in the first place.

Launching your opponent is the name of the Charizard game.  You have many an option as far as this goes, but your jab and your down tilt will be two of your best friends.  On heavy characters and fast fallers like Fox, you'll be able to chain jabs and follow them with short hopped aerials with relative ease.  As their damage increases, begin to try landing your down tilt to pop them up and give chase with neutral, forward and back airs to send them flying or up airs to keep the fight in the sky.  On taller stages, once the opponent has enough damage, you may find them flying too high up to just chase via jump.  When they get to this point, it's time to use your new Down Special:  Fly.

Jab or down tilt and follow with the reworked Down B.

On the ground, Down B is now a super jump, instead of tagging out to another Pokemon.  Charizard will leap much higher than a standard jump, allowing a quick chase and still affording you your mid air jumping ability.  If the opponent is especially high, you can charge the move for maximum height, but keep in mind that it's fairly obvious you're doing this, so you might meet a spike on your way up if they escape the hitstun of your launcher.  In the air, Down B is now your command glide; no more gliding by holding the jump button.  Always remember that the glide attack can deal 25% damage if you hit all of it and, much like Lucario's Up Smash, the last hit of it can be an effective kill move.  Once you initiate glide, people will be expecting glide attack; mix up hitting jump to just drop down to keep them on their toes.   On the subject of new specials, Charizard's Side B has also changed - It is now Heat Wave, a powerful up close attack, great for making distance or landing that decisive blow.  It can be used, to a point, as a midair smash attack so don't be afraid to use it after your launchers or after a Down B chase from the ground.  The closer you are to the opponent, the farther they'll fly so feel free to keep close to the opponent.  Rounding out the specials, Charizard's B Flamethrower is still an effective way to cause damage or annoy a recovering opponent.  As an opponent, do not try to influence your direction into or "through" the flame:  Even if you make it through, you'll sustain a lot of damage in doing so.  Up B remains similar to its Brawl incarnation, but with the new physics and weights in place in the game, it can be a very effective kill; don't be afraid to launch and combo into an Up B when your opponent is at those "kill" percentages.

Charizard's tilts and throws are some of your best friends, be it launching or just racking up damage.  Forward tilt has an incredible range and speed and Up tilt can be effective on opponents swooping in from above; the latter will pop them right back up, liable to be flown to and followed up on.  Down throw will result in two things:  An opponent on the floor, open to a Heat Wave or down smash, or a tech rolling opponent to be chased down.  Guess right and you can keep a ton of pressure on your opponent; as the opponent, don't be afraid to occasionally do nothing and catch Charizard as he begins to dash where he thinks you're teching to. 

A hitbox to be wary of.

Up air was touched on a bit above, but Neutral Air is going to be the star of your aerial game.  Charizard becomes an enormous hit box during this move and it can be used in a bevy of ways.  The flaming tail is the point that you'll want to hit people with to maximize damage and distance, but getting a kill can be as simple as jumping out and gimping a space animal by tapping them with your body mid Nair.  By the time they escape the hitstun, you'll be flying back to ledgehog them, provided they can even get that far; Wolf and Falco likely won't.  Back Air and Forward Air are big hitters, back being the easier of the two to land hits with.  Down Air, while a decent spike, comes out almost too fast for its own good, so hopping off the ledge and trying to spike with it will take some decent timing.  What it can be effectively used for, however, is punishing a whiffed smash or tilt, popping them up for that all important air combo.

They'll roll or lay down - Guess right and keep the pressure on

Aerial, aerial, aerial.  Learn the ranges on those launchers and pop your foes up over and over, giving chase each time.  Be aggressive; there's no reason to hang back and camp with this powerhouse.  Dash in and throw out an Up Smash - If you catch one hit, you'll likely hit the second as well, which is just one more effective kill in Charizard's arsenal.  Just remember that you're a big target; while Charizard may excel at comboing, he's also subject to relatively juggles.

Next week, we'll have a look at Lucas, whose powered up smash attacks change up how aggressively you'll want to approach the little guy.

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WWE Raw Wrapup 7/9/2012

A week out from Money in the Bank - Last night, Impact Wrestling crowned Austin Aries the new World Champion on one of the best PPV shows of the year.  Tonight, we see how WWE treats the lead in to what was their most important show last year.

As expected, we get a recap of last week and AJ putting the WWE Champion CM Punk and Daniel Bryan through a table to end the show.  AJ's apparent psychosis has fully taken charge in this storyline, leaving the WWE Title secondary.  This is a key mistake WWE has made for far too long - In this particular case, we may see a good pay off, as Punk and Bryan will put on a great show and guest referees can occasionally be a good mixup to just a straight forward match.  They need to deliver on this possibility, though, especially with the showing TNA gave us last night.

After the intro video, AJ is first out to the ring, skipping down the ramp.  AJ reminds us that she will be the guest referee at Money in the Bank and she knows that her actions will affect the outcome.  The thought of this is overwhelming, making her very emotional.  AJ asks the crowd to help her welcome CM Punk to the ring.  As his music hits, she grins nice and big.  Punk asks what this is all about and AJ recounts him calling her mentally unstable, saying she needs professional help.  AJ denies this, saying she is in control; she appreciates the sentiment, however, continuing that nobody has shown compassion and concern for her like Punk.  When AJ kissed him, she knew it:  Punk's eyes, they send love straight into her heart.  Punk fills AJ with "passion and desire"; he turns her on.  AJ says she knows what she has to do and drops to one knee - AJ proposes to CM Punk in the opening of Monday Night Raw.

Before Punk can respond, Daniel Bryan dashes down to the ring, yelling "no no no".  Bryan says this would be the biggest mistake of AJ's life; Punk doesn't love her.  Bryan says Punk is playing her, because she is the referee at Money in the Bank.  Bryan continues that he never stopped having feelings for AJ.  According to him, Punk only cares about one person:  Himself.  The WWE Champion responds and says the Bryan doesn't know anything about him or how he feels about AJ.  Bryan dares Punk to say "I do" to AJ.  Punk is a tad distraught and Bryan says that Punk only sees her as a special referee; Bryan sees her as a special person.  When Bryan woke up this morning, he didn't intend to stop a proposal, he wanted to make one.  The number one contender drops to his knees and takes AJ's hand, asking if she will marry him.  Punk says it's a load of crap and if Bryan woke up today thinking about this, where's the ring?  Bryan is exposing himself as a fraud and a phony.  Punk says he'll talk to AJ later and Bryan gets in his face - The not-at-all missed Anonymous Raw General Manager chimes in and Michael Cole exposes the infamous laptop, ready to read.  The ARGM thinks Punk and AJ make a great couple, putting them in a mixed tag match tonight against Eve and Daniel Bryan.  Bryan is livid about this and the laptop chimes again:  If Bryan wins, maybe AJ will see him in a different light?  AJ says this is all confusing, but she's happy that she and Punk have this match tonight.  She thinks everything happens for a reason and that tonight, she'll leave the arena with her future husband.  AJ skips off back up the ramp.

Well that's twenty minutes of the go-home show gone.  I'm a fan of AJ's antics and this storyline in general, but this went on far longer than it had to.  WWE is just working to keep AJ on screen as much as possible before the crowd turns on her.

Tonight, Big Show and Chris Jericho take on John Cena and Kane.  Four guys from the PPV in a tag match?  What a surprise.  Thank you, bog standard WWE booking.

Match 1:  Sheamus (World Heavyweight Champion) vs Jack Swagger
Winner:  Sheamus via pinfall

Swagger with a go behind and take down to open, then throws Sheamus into the turnbuckle.  He tries a Swagger Bomb, but gets caught in White Noise as Sheamus hits his feet quickly.  Sheamus heads to a corner then levels Swagger with a Brough Kick.

So 30 minutes into the show, that's how they start the action off - Sheamus beats Jack Swagger in thirty seconds.  In what world does this get people hyped up or excited for a championship caliber match?  Alberto del Rio honks his car's horn in the back and appears on the Titantron, saying Swagger is not at all like himself.  Del Rio vows to take the World Heavyweight Championship on Sunday.  Sheamus is none too happy and Swagger takes another Brough Kick in his frustration.  That's your upstanding champion, folks.

Santino Marella is in the back, congratulating Zack Ryder for winning the Great American Bash Battle Royal.  Ryder says he'll be more entertaining than the anonymous Raw GM when his turn comes on Smackdown.  Santino vows to find out who is behind the laptop, donning his Sherlock Holmes hat, a pipe and a magnifying glass.  Again, not the type of thing that makes someone go "I need to pay $50 to watch three more hours of this on Sunday."

Back from a commercial, Michael Cole reminds us that Rock vowed to win the WWE Championship after Wrestlemania.  Apparently we will learn more about this in two weeks at the 1000th episode of Raw.  Didn't Rock also say he wasn't leaving again?  Months ago?!

Match 2:  Tyson Kidd and Christian vs Dolph Ziggler and Tensai
Winners:  Tensai and Dolph Ziggler via pinfall

Ziggler starts out with offense on Kidd, who quickly answers back with Code Blue.  Christian tags in and forearms Ziggler, followed by a flapjack and a diving European uppercut.  Ziggler quickly tags in Tensai, who tosses Kidd off the apron.  Christian wants the Killswitch but Tensai elbows out.  Christian dodges him in the corner and hits a missile dropkick, but with Sakamoto's distraction and Ziggler's interference, Tensai is able to attack Christian in the corner, then drop a senton on him for the win. 

Tensai continues the attack on Kidd from last week, powerbombing Kidd onto the apron, Kevin Steen-style.  For good measure, Tensai drops a senton on Kidd on the floor.  You would think they would want the high flying star to shine a bit before the Money in the Bank pay per view.  And again, we see a ludicrously short tag match between four guys involved in Money in the Bank, this time on the Smackdown side.  Sell us the show, WWE.  How do you ignore Destination X one night ago and give us this to make us shell out money to you?

Cole and Lawler argue about who should be the permanent GM and Cole throws a drink on Lawler.  The Anonymous GM chimes in as he does so and Cole says he will not read what has appeared on the screen.  Lawler steps up and informs us that tonight, we will see a Wrestlemania rematch, pitting Jerry "The King" Lawler against Michael Cole.  One more chime:  The WWE Universe will decide if this match takes place, since Cole is protesting.  The crowd, of course, begs for Lawler to smack around Cole.  People can vote on www.wwe.com.  Terrible.

Match 3:  Brodus Clay vs Drew McIntyre
Winner:  Brodus Clay via pinfall

Drew complains about Brodus' dancing and comes out swinging, but gets backed into the corner by the Funksaurus.  McIntyre jumps off the top, trying a double axe handle, but dives into a headbutt, which Clay follows with a splash for another thirty second win tonight. 

Cole says this is why Raw is entertaining, this is why we tune in.  This is why people should tune into TNA.  Hell, order a Dragon Gate USA show.

Santino is in the back and finds Chris Jericho, accusing him of being the Anonymous GM.  Jericho says he hates the laptop and says maybe Santino is the Anonymous GM and covering his own tracks.  Santino almost suspects himself, calls Jericho a sonamagun and heads off.  Big Show walks in and Jericho tries to remind of him of the Jerishow days, when they were a strong tag team.  Big Show says Jericho should just stay out of his way and he won't knock him out tonight.  Big Show is not a team player.

Raw 1000 Moment with Stephanie McMahon:  Stephanie tricks HHH into thinking she's pregnant, they almost renew their vows and HHH pedigrees Vince.  Three hours of this soon.  Good God.

Match 4:  John Cena and Kane vs Chris Jericho and Big Show
Winners:  No contest?

Cena grabs a mic before the rest of the entrants arrive and says he is excited for Money in the Bank.  John Cena talks about the risk of the multi man ladder match and that people will become ruthless with opportunity hanging overhead.  Every time someone has cashed in, they have become champion; Money in the Bank changes the landscape of WWE.  For John Cena, the briefcase represents two things:  John Cena stopping Big Show and becoming Mr. Money in the Bank.  Cena vows to capture the briefcase on Sunday.  I'm sure that will make your partner want to cooperate tonight, John. Also, he's the only man in this tag match to never be in a Money in the Bank; who is he to talk about the risks?

Cena and Jericho start off and Jericho takes a hard shoulder block and a turnbuckle to the face.  Cena whips Jericho to the opposite corner and lands a one handed bulldog.  Jericho tags in Big Show and bails to the floor for a moment.  John Cena and Big Show go hand to hand and Cena tags in Kane.  Show overpowers Kane, but Kane slips under and lays into Show in the corner.  Big Show reverses an Irish whip attempt and clotheslines Kane in the corner.  Show delivers a headbutt, knocking Kane to the floor.  Jericho takes advantage with a kick to Kane.  Kane rolls himself back in and Big Show keeps the assault going.  Kane tries to fight back, but gets shouldered to the mat.  Big Show jaws at Cena on the apron, then goes back to striking Kane.  Show tags Jericho back in, who walks right into a throat thrust.  Cena is tagged back in and awkwardly whips Jericho to a near corner, followed by a clothesline and a fisherman's suplex for two.  Show lands a cheap shot on Cena, letting them take control into a commercial break.

Big Show is still in control as Raw returns and Cena takes a frying pan chop to the chest.  Cena dodges the next one and tries a scoop slam, but Show falls on Cena, leading to a two count.  Cena fights back to his feet and jumps at Big Show, but gets caught in a bearhug.  Cena fights his way down and delivers a belly to back suplex to the Big Show, leaving both men down.  Cena makes an unnecessary diving tag to Kane, who strikes Big Show into the corner and lands a running DDT for a two count.  Kane mounts the top rope and misses the diving lariat, which Big Show answers with a spear.  Kane kicks out in two and Show keeps the attack up, tagging in Jericho, who climbs up top for a double axe handle.  Jericho boots Kane in the corner repeatedly, then chokes him on the middle rope.  Jericho keeps the ref's back to his corner, allowing Big Show to attack Kane while he's down, leading to another commercial.

Returning, Jericho still has Kane on the mat, but he is stirring, lifting Jericho up and driving him into the corner.  Jericho boots his way out, but runs into a huge sideslam from Kane.  Cena tags in and lands jumping shoulders and the spin out bomb on Jericho, warming up and landing the Five Knuckle Shuffle.  Jericho tries for the Walls of Jericho, but ends up taking an Attitude Adjustment.  Big Show drags Cena out before the three count and launches Cena into the barricade and mows over Kane with a clothesline.  In the midst of all this, the bell rings, for no apparent reason.  Show grabs a pair of ladders and puts them in the ring.  Show whacks Jericho with the ladder, then Kane.  Big Show puts Jericho in the ladder and slams it shut on him, then presses down on the rung of the ladder, putting pressure on Jericho's back.  Cena slides in and grabs a ladder, knocking Show out of the ring with it.  Cena's music hits.  Unannounced no contest or DQ to hype us up for Money in the Bank?  No dice.  All that match for no real payoff.

A replay of the open of the show, ending about an hour ago, with AJ proposing to CM Punk and Bryan counter-proposing to her.  When Raw expands to three hours, we are going to see a lot more of these reminders of what we already watched, so don't worry about paying attention.

CM Punk is warming up in the back and Eve wishes him luck, then Punk cracks a spray tan joke.  Eve is wishing him luck with AJ, not the match.  Eve mentions Punk being WWE Champion, but over shadowed by HHH, The Rock and Brock Lesnar.   But being over shadowed by AJ?  That must be emasculating.  Punk is mad.  Which he should be.  So it seems like WWE knows that it doesn't value the Title, but just flat out doesn't care...until Cena gets it back, of course.

Santino finds an iPhone, declaring it the phone of the Anonymous GM.  The Great Khali says he is, then is not, then who is the Anonymous GM.  Santino calls him a sonamagun and heads off.  Yick.

Match 5:  Sin Cara vs Heath Slater, Money in the Bank qualifier match
Winner:  Sin Cara via pinfall

Sin Cara tries a springboard elbow, but Slater gets most of a neckbreaker, then pounds him on the mat.  Slater gives him a scoop slam and delivers elbows for a one count.  Slater then settles into a chinlock and moves to an arm wrench.  Sin Cara grabs a knuckle lock and hits his springboard spiral arm drag, then an enzuigiri from the apron and a high crossbody.  Sin Cara follows up with La Mistica for the pin.

Slater grabs a mic and says that this is not fair; Slater is a future champion and will prove it.  Slater demands any former champion, be it John Cena, Kane, Jericho, anybody - Slater will beat them.  Bob Backlund heads to the ring.

Match ?:  Heath Slater vs Bob Backlund
Winner:  Bob Backlund via submission

Backlund gets a "you still got it" chant for walking around the ring and Slater is begging for a fight.  Backlund offers a handshake, but Slater delivers a kick to the gut and a punch to the head.  Backlund ducks the next attack and locks in the Crossface Chickenwing, leading to Slater tapping.

Not even Mr Backlund could save this show.

Ok, technically not a match, but just as fun as anything else in the ring thus far.  More fun, actually.  Crazy Mr. Backlund is always appreciated.


Cole stands up and shows the poll results for Lawler vs Cole:  75% "yes".  Damnit.  Cole calls the crowd hypocrites:  People don't want him wrestling, but then vote to put him in a match.  When Cole is the one making sense, I don't know what to think.

Match 6:  Michael Cole vs Jerry Lawler
Winner:  Michael Cole via laptop garbage

Cole tries to run out early, but Booker T rolls him in, as Book and Josh Matthews are at the booth.  Cole offers a handshake, but Lawler scoops him up for an airplane spin.  Then he pins him.  I was kind of hoping for a botched piledriver, but whatever.

ARGM chimes in and says "due to blatant interference from Booker T, the decision is reversed".  Michael Cole wins via DQ, I guess.  Santino's music hits, and he walks out, still in Sherlock gear.  Santino says if the Anonymous Raw GM is here tonight, they must be under the ring, as he has searched high and low.  The Anonymous GM chimes and says "no I'm not" and then continues saying nobody is underneath the ring and to leave.  Santino is tripped from under the ring and dragged underneath.  Lawler drags him back out and Hornswoggle is in tow with what appears to be a toy laptop.  Lawler says he ought to spank him.  Hornswoggle kicks Lawler in the shin and bites Santino's ass, then kicks Cole in the shin and leaves.

That's it.  There's your Anonymous Raw GM storyline ending.  You know what?  No.  I'm not even gonna. 

Match 7:  Eve Torres and Daniel Bryan vs AJ and CM Punk (WWE Champion)
Winners:  CM Punk and AJ via pinfall

It's 10:57 and the "main event" hasn't started yet.  And surprise surprise, it has the combatants of a title match at the impending PPV.  The men open up the match, laying into one another back and forth.  Punk delivers a back body drop, but finds himself taking kicks from Bryan in the corner.  Punk counters a whip with a leg lariat and AJ tags in, which means Eve enters the match as well.  Eve kicks the midsection of AJ  and sends her off the ropes.  AJ tackles her and strikes away, but Eve takes control again in the corner.  AJ fights back with forearms, but runs into another kick, followed by another from Eve, who then tackles her and punches her.  Eve stands AJ up just to fling her back to the mat by her head.  Eve tries a handspring attack but lands on AJ's knees.  AJ fights back once again and lands a dropkick to the top of Eve's head, then a clothesline in the corner and a spin kick to the jaw.  Eve kicks out in two and crawls for a tag, but AJ tries to stop her.  Eve kicks her off and Daniel Bryan drops off the apron, refusing to tag.  AJ rolls up Eve and gets the quick win.

Punk enters the ring to celebrate and gets a hug from AJ.  Bryan grabs a mic and says he just proved that AJ means more than any match.  Bryan says they should leave and go get married right now.  Punk picks up the mic and says he won't use AJ or lie to her to keep the WWE Title.  Bryan, on the other hand, will.  Punk says he doesn't care if what he says costs him a match or a title:  He's not going to marry AJ.  Punk apologizes if that hurts her feelings, but says he cares enough to tell her the truth.  AJ approaches Punk and slaps him across the face.  Bryan tells AJ to "come home" and she gives him a slap as well.  AJ laughs and then YES's her way up the ramp.  The crowd is audibly behind her in all of this.

So that's it.  That's the Raw that's supposed to sell you Money in the Bank.  It really puts us in a pickle though:  CM Punk and Daniel Bryan are vying for the WWE Title on Pay Per View.  This is something we as fans should support.  Unfortunately it's surrounded by, well, what we saw tonight, which is garbage that we shouldn't support at all.  After last year's Money in the Bank, I was sure they would work to get people to watch the show again this year, as it really did make a huge change in the WWE landscape.  With the setup this year?  I'd suggest you order a replay of Destination X instead.  Unless they do something incredibly special with Smackdown, I'm not sold at all.

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WWE Smackdown Lowdown 7/3/12

Night two of Teddy Long as General Manager - We're at three tag matches for the week just from Raw.  I can only imagine we see a few more.  Tonight, we'll see a battle royal to determine next week's GM.  We'll start the show with a backstage party with the Divas in bikinis and some visual jokes with Hornswoggle.  Teddy Long comes in in his apron and says that everyone can make a mess, because Eve will be cleaning up.  Long introduces Santino Marella, the United States Champion and he kicks off the BBQ, but can't get the grill to light.  Kane steps in and all goes silent, then he does his usual pyro motion, igniting the grill.  Cute opening - These types of specialty shows sometimes exist "outside" the realm of WWE storyline and whatnot, but Kane has been humanized lately, not to mention less monster-y, since he was made to fight Big Show, a key heel.

Among a breakdown of the battle royal, Michael Cole says he will be getting to the bottom of AJ's table-related shenanigans tonight.  Lillian Garcia introduces Ricardo Rodriguez, who introduces Alberto deo Rio, who goes through his full entrance, just to talk.

Del Rio grabs a mic and says that tonight, he's not here to celebrate America, he's here to talk about himself.  Del Rio says he'll be sending Sheamus back to Ireland, crying.  He continues to say that Sheamus is a peasant and a hooligan, like the WWE Universe which is why they cling to him.  ADR says he has worked hard and is successful and came to the US legally, making money here and in Mexico.  The people here make him sick and he wants to send Sheamus and all these people back to where they belong.  Ricardo and ADR hop to the floor and start asking people for their papers, saying they don't belong.  The third man asks says he doesn't have papers in Spanish and ADR calls for security; the man says this isn't Arizona, this is Texas - Topical!  Sheamus' music hits and he heads right for Alberto, who shoves Ricardo into him.  Sheamus shrugs him off and takes it to del Rio on the ramp.  Ricardo jumps on Sheamus from behind but gets cast off and Sheamus continues the assault on ADR.  He throws him into the barricades and once again Ricardo attacks from behind, this time enough of a distraction to allow ADR to fight back.  Ricardo opens the hood of the car del Rio drove in and encourages ADR to put Sheamus underneath, slamming the hood onto him repeatedly.  Little more of a cruel streak than we typically see out of Ricardo, but par for the course for ADR.  The "illegals" thing was kind of tasteless, but it was all a set up for a Texas vs Arizona joke, so no real harm done.

Back from commercial break, medics are walking Sheamus away from the car, and he has a decent cut on his forehead, which adds effect to what we just saw.  Sheamus isn't the type to need to be walked out with help, so he is actually showing vulnerability here.  Next up, The Great Khali in action.  Super.

Match 1:  The Great Khali and Layla (Diva's Champion) vs Antonio Cesaro and Aksana
Winners:  The Great Khali and Layla via pinfall

Cesaro still has his ludicrously generic intro music; they need to go back and just grab the music he used in FCW, as this upbeat, happy tune doesn't fit him whatsoever.  One of Cesaro's key advantages is that he's a tall guy in great shape - Putting him next to Khali entirely takes away from this.  Cesaro starts with strikes, but Khali puts him in the corner and delivers a frying pan chop.  Cesaro dodges a big boot in the corner and clips the leg, going to work on Khali, who fights back, putting him in the corner and delivering another chop.  Khali delivers a chop and almost falls all on his own, then Cesaro dodges another and tags in Aksana, drawing Layla in, who easily takes control.  Layla delivers a kick to Aksana's midsection then gives her double springboard crossbody.  Cesaro breaks up the pin, but Khali disposes of him, letting Layla deliver the Layout to Aksana for the pin.  Then Layla and Khali dance.

Cody Rhodes finds Teddy Long in the back and says that the Board of Directors accepted Rhodes' appeal and he will get another Money in the Bank qualifier tonight.  Long will select his opponent - It will be against Christian, who Rhodes has been unable to defeat as of late.  Rhodes is less than thrilled.

Raw 1000 Moment with Mick Foley:  Tony Schiavone announces that Mick Foley will be winning the WWE Title over on Raw.  600,000 people change the channel, in one of WCW's most egregious mistakes during the Monday Night Wars.  One of the better Raw 1000 moments thus far.

Match 2:  Cody Rhodes vs Christian (IC), if Rhodes wins, he is in the Smackdown MITB match
Winner:   Cody Rhodes via pinfall

Rhodes opens with a headlock and a shoulder block for a quick one count.  Rhodes continues with a kick to the gut and another quick pinfall attempt.  Christian throws elbows and whips him to the corner, then delivers a flapjack for one.  Rhodes stops Christian's corner flip kick through the ropes, then delivers a springboard knee, akin to the Beautiful Disaster.  Rhodes with quick pin attempts, then he gazes up at the briefcase above the ring, leading into a commercial.  Back, Rhodes has a hammerlock cinched in and Christian tries to fight out, trying an elevated lucha-style snapmare, but Rhodes lets go, leaving Christian to just fall.  Rhodes with a front suplex for another two count.  Rhodes keeps the assault going in the corner, continuing a focus on the arm.  Rhodes elevates Christian to the top rope, but he fights out and lands a missile dropkick.  Christian mounts a comeback and lands a low dropkick on Rhodes, leaning on the bottom rope.  Christian lands a top rope crossbody for two.  Christian begins clapping, calling for the Killswitch, but Rhodes escapes, then lands a Bob Holly-style kick while Christian is across the top rope, then tries the Alabama Slam, but Christian rolls through.  Rhodes puts Christian into the ringpost shoulder first, then rolls him up, but Christian is out at two.  Christian hits a diving reverse DDT while Rhodes tries to take the turnbuckle pad off in the opposite corner, but he kicks out.  Christian wants a spear, but Rhodes boots him then tries the Disaster, which Christian dodges and tries the Killswitch again - Rhodes spins out and lands Crossrhodes for the win.

The intensity of a future World Heavyweight Champion

Now that's how you let a guy get his win back and get him away from the title he lost.  With Kidd, Christian, Sandow, Tensai, Marella and Rhodes in Money in the Bank, Rhodes is definitely the current favorite.

Back to the BBQ, everyone is enjoying themselves and Zack Ryder comes in and drops boy band names.  Heath Slater comes in and says he'll provide entertainment, singing his song; he gets peppered with garbage.  Ryder hits play and Brody Clay's music hits, bringing him and the Funkadactyls in.  This is not what the Great American Bash was all about back in the day (ok, old fogey mode has now been initialized).

Match 3:  Alex Riley vs Dolph Ziggler, Money in the Bank qualifier match
Winner:  Dolph Ziggler via pinfall

Vickie gets her chorus of boos as she introduces Ziggler.  Riley gets no music on his introduction, so we know who's winning this one, just a question of how fast.  Ziggler will serve to offset Rhodes as a 'guaranteed' winner.  If one of the two of them aren't the winner of Money in the Bank, it's nothing shy of a mistake.  Ziggler jaws at Riley to start, and he opens by dropkicking Ziggler right in the mouth for a quick two count.  Ziggler hits a neckbreaker, then lays in with right hands and a jumping elbow drop.  Ziggler settles into a chinlock on the mat and does a headstand.  Riley begins to rise to his feet and delivers a belly to back suplex to separate.  Ziggler runs into a back elbow and Riley hits a big clothesline, followed by another and a big spinebuster for two.  Riley tries for his elevated DDT, but Ziggler runs him into the corner, then comes up empty on a stinger splash, letting Riley roll him up for two.  Ziggler drops Riley neck first across the top rope and lands the Zigzag for the three.

Ziggler says it's his time.  You're right, Dolph.  Riley with a strong showing in this one; he seems crisper in the ring, but if he can't keep up for longer matches, this is why he'll be in the position he's in for the rest of his career.  He might need a chance to show that he can do just that, as WWE's roster is thin.

Michael Cole is going to get to the bottom of why AJ shoved CM Punk through Daniel Bryan and a table on Monday.  Cole in the middle of the ring is a great way for a chorus of boos to ring forth from the WWE Universe.  AJ skips down to the ring, all smiles.  Cole says he's been fair and balanced with AJ in the past, then says AJ hasn't been balanced.  Cole interrupts AJ as she begins to rebut, showing a replay of AJ, Bryan and Punk from Monday.  The WWE production team that puts these videos together deserves a Slammy this year - They are the stars of the show on a weekly basis.  So AJ, what were you thinking?  AJ says she's been asked that a lot lately, only to be interrupted by Cole again.  Cole says she wasn't thinking and switches allegiances on a dime.  He suggests that the Board of Directors has made a mistake making AJ the referee for the WWE Title match at Money in the Bank.  Cole calls her a troubled little girl, and AJ's smile fades.  Cole says he doesn't know what AJ sees in Punk or Bryan and asks if AJ has thought about pursuing a real man, with power and influence - Cole is now hitting on AJ.  Bryan's music hits as Cole says AJ could have "all of this".  Thank you Bryan.  Daniel Bryan comes out, holding his ribs, selling his ribs from the table fall.  Bryan says Cole isn't anything special; he calls him a sexist, emotionally abusive bully, just like the rest of the media.  Cole makes things up if the story doesn't fit.  Bryan says this story isn't about Cole.  Bryan turns to AJ, who is now laughing and says that he knows AJ better than anyone.  He brown noses her and says that she will do a good job at Money in the Bank.  Bryan says AJ only meant Punk to go through the table and Bryan forgives AJ for not realizing he was in the line of fire.

Right on cue, Cult of Personality hits and the WWE Champion heads to the ring.  Punk wants Cole out of the ring, Cole argues and Punk tells him to hit the bricks, which he does.  Punk says two people were affected by AJ's actions on Monday and his body hurts because of it.  Punk says this is what he's used to, as a wrestler.  He won't sweep it under the rug like Bryan and plans to be blunt and honest with AJ, because he's worried about her.  Punk says she's not in a good place, mentally and it could very well be partially his fault, which he apologizes for.  He says AJ needs professional help.  Punk doesn't plan to lie to AJ or string her along like Bryan just to get what he wants - Bryan interrupts, saying it's a load of garbage.  Bryan says Punk doesn't care about AJ; he does, however.  Bryan says Punk is "playing" the good guy.  Bryan says Punk only cares about AJ being the referee, because Punk needs her to beat him.  AJ holds them apart, then steps toward Bryan and kisses him, which the crowd is not happy about.  Punk looks a tad distraught and turns to leave the ring, hopping off the apron.  AJ follows, spins him around and plants one on him too.  Bryan is nothing shy of flabbergasted.  AJ skips off, leaving Punk to contemplate just how much he digs crazy chicks.  AJ yes's at the top of the ramp, all smiles once again.

AJ is entirely the focus of the storyline, which to a point is fine.  The WWE title is a bit secondary here, but if the payoff is worth it after Money in the Bank it can be excused.  Not to mention we'll get another Punk vs Bryan match, which is always a treat.

Match 4:  Santino Marella (United States Champion), Sgt. Slaughter and "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs Camacho, Hunico and Drew McIntyre
Winner:  Santino Marella, Sgt Slaughter and "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan via pinfall

Santino says, in honor of Independence Day, he wants to introduce his partners tonight.  First, Sgt. Slaughter, and next, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan.  Camacho starts with Slaughter, who rings the arm and elbows it, then tags in Santino, who gets elbowed in the face.  Camacho slams Santino in the corner and tags in Hunico, while the crowd joins Duggan in a USA chant.  McIntyre tags in and delivers a snap suplex to Santino for two.  McIntyre tries an armbar and then clubs Santino's back.  Tags on both sides bring in Duggan and Hunico, and Duggan runs wild on him, leading to a three point stance clothesline, but the pin is broken, with all six men in the ring.  Hunico and Duggan get the ring back to themselves and Santino tags in with the Cobra for the win.

We pull these guys out for all of the "special" episodes.  For the 4th of July, it's ok, but they kind of lose their surprise and shine when we know it's coming.  Who doesn't love hearing that big "HOOOOOOOOO" out of Duggan though??

Back to the BBQ one more time and everybody is having some fun.  R-Truth and Little Jimmy are enjoying themselves, and Damien Sandow halts the festivities.  Ryder gets in his face and Sandow takes offense to being called "bro".  Ryder tells Sandow to leave and they start to fight.  Ryder grabs a punch bowl and Sandow ducks, leaving Eve to get soaked.  Teddy Long is happy about it and Eve stomps off.  Derrick Bateman is doing the twist, apparently desperate to get noticed.

Match 5:  Curt Hawkins vs Ryback
Winner:  Ryback via pinfall

Tyler Reks with a mic, says that Hawkins won a coinflip to face Ryback.  So Ryback has graduated to non-local jobbers.  I don't know if that's a step up for him or one more step down for Hawkins.  Hawkins clubs Ryback's back then slaps him.  Hawkins escapes a gorilla press attempt and slaps on a sleeper, but takes a backpack chinbreaker after being told he's stupid, then gets deadlifted by his neck.  Ryback brings him to the corner and gives him a choke suplex and a big time lariat, then readies for his usual finish.  Reks is disappointed on the outside.  Who's sure that Reks faces Ryback sometime in the next week?


Raw 1000 Moment with Donald Trump:  Trump drops cash down on the fans and upstages Vince.

Teddy Long is out to kick off the battle royal, asking the fans for a Holla Holla Holla, which they deliver.  Long says the winner of this battle royal will be Smackdown's General Manager next week.

Match 6:  Great American Bash 20-Man Battle Royal
Winner:  Zack Ryder

Del Rio and Kane are the first two to be introduced, followed by Jack Swagger.  The All-American American was otherwise not mentioned on the Great American Bash.  Quite the slump he's in.  John Cena is next.  They head to commercial, so most of the rest of the intros will be taken care of then, aside, most likely, from the WWE Champion.  Back to the show, Tensai is mid entrance, followed by CM Punk.  Big Show follows the WWE Champ, because belts are secondary now.  Justin Gabriel is quickly eliminated by Big Show.  Show dumps Brodus Clay out as well.  John Cena judo chops Damien Sandow in the corner.  Ezekiel Jackson is next to tumble to the floor.  Ziggler and Ryder are going at it, continuing their Twitter and YouTube feud.  Khali gets dumped out by a half dozen superstars.  Ryder eliminates Sandow and Rhodes narrowly avoids elimination, then tosses Santino out.  Rhodes goes after Big Show, landing a Disaster kick, then gets driven over the top, along with Kofi, by Big Show.  To commercial.  Wagering a guess, I say six guys are left when they return.

Way off - They're still at least at twelve.  Punk and Bryan are going at it mid ring and Punk dives at Bryan, taking both of them over the top.  A less than calculated move by the WWE Champion.  Kane and ADR flub a sideslam spot, of all things.  Kane gives John Cena a chokeslam and Kane and Show grab each other by the throat.  Kane kicks him and then Chokeslams Big Show as well.  Tensai and Ziggler, along with ADR, focus on Cena.  Cena fights back knocking Ziggler and ADR out, then delivering a spin out powerbomb to Tensai, a back body drop to ADR, another bomb to ADR, then eliminating him, followed by an Attitude Adjustment on Kane.  30 seconds and Cena hits more moves than the rest of the guys in the match combined.  Tensai attacks Cena, but Cena manages to dump him over the top.  Big Show runs up and tosses Cena out.  Ryder gets speared by Show and Show tries a Chokeslam on Christian, but ends up just tossing him out.  Ziggler tries a sleeper, and Kane boots Ziggler and Big Show out all at once, leaving just himself and Zack Ryder.  The crowd is all sorts of behind Ryder.  Kane takes it to Ryder, who escapes a powerslam, but runs into a bit boot.  Kane whips Ryder to the corner, but he hits a drop toe hold into the corner and the Broski Boot, setting up for the Rough Ryder, which Kane blocks.  Ryder escapes a Chokeslam and low bridges Kane, winning.

Not a bad "special" episode, likely because it was live.  Ziggler and Rhodes qualify for Money in the Bank, making it mean something.  One of these two men will win - One of them should be World Heavyweight Champion by year's end.  Punk and Bryan continue to be the focus of most shows (Ok, it's actually AJ, but at least something involving the WWE Champion is getting some time).  Next week, Zack Ryder will be the GM of Smackdown; the GM for Raw is still unknown, and until the 1000th episode of Raw, we won't have a permanent authority figure.  Oddly enough, without that, things seem to be a bit more under control.  Good action in the singles matches and Long didn't overload us with tag matches; he did give us the Great Khali though, so thumbs in the middle for his evaluation as GM.  A bit late, but enjoy that American Pride!

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