WWE Raw Wrapup 4/23/12

Monday Night Raw – April 23^rd, 2012

Tonight is a theme-less three hour Raw.  It was originally supposed to be the draft, but that has been pushed back to June, at least for now.  The show opens with Teddy Long in the ring, prepared to present the not-at-all anticipated contract signing between John Cena and Brock Lesnar.  Long calls Cena out, who enters to a chorus of boos from the Detroit crowd.  John Lauranaitis comes out on the ramp and tells Teddy Long he’s incompetent , because Brock has not arrived yet, so how can we have the signing yet?  Johnny got an impressively long sustained boo from the crowd.  He’s not getting the “we hate you because you’re a jerk character” boos; he’s getting the “get the FUCK off of my TV” boos.  Not the good boos.  

Johnny welcomes everyone to Raw and People Power, since People Power is apparently a thing you can be welcomed to.  Johnny tells Long to tell Cena to leave his ring.  Instead, we are all treated to “You think you know me…” and Edge comes out to a ludicrous welcome from the crowd.  Edge’s contract is ending soon, but he had to come out and talk to Cena.  This isn’t the Cena Edge knows – he wants the Cena who beat him in a TLC, the Cena who threw him in the Long Island Sound.  Edge seems to think the loss to the Rock may have broken Cena.  He tells Cena that he cannot lose.  He and Cena love “this” (the wrestling world).  Brock loves money; he doesn’t care about the business or the company.  Brock left, but we stayed!  Edge tells Cena to beat Lesnar.  Cena stands borderline comatose, with very little reaction, which for once is actually a good thing.  Once Edge broke down Lesnar being about the money and Cena being about “this” the only chant heard was just a “Cena” chant – Not “Cena Sucks” or “Let’s go Cena”.  Just “Cena”.  Good use of Edge here.  His intensity in the promo makes you want to see someone who loves wrestling win.

Match 1 – Chris Jericho vs Kofi Kingston

Jericho opens aggressively on Kofi with strikes.  Kofi reverses an Irish whip and gives Jericho a monkey flip.  Kofi lands armdrags and a dropkick.  Kofi then clotheslines Jericho over the top rope to the outside and feints a dive as Jericho makes his way around the ring.  Sliding back in the ring, Kofi lands a drop toe hold and settles into an armbar.  Jericho gets the ropes and lands a thumb to the eye over the ref’s back as he broke them apart.  Jericho chops Kofi and whips him to the opposite corner, following with a clothesline.  Jericho begs the crowd for boos, which they deliver, then slaps on a headlock.  Kofi fights out and hits his double leapfrog and back elbow for a two count.  Kofi runs into a flapjack from Jericho, which he follows with a kick to the ribs.  Jericho whips Kofi to the corner and follows in, but Kofi dodges and Jericho ends up outside the ring.  Kofi hits the ropes and lands a tope con hilo on Jericho outside the ring, leading to a break.  Back, Jericho has a headlock but Kofi fights up and rolls into a schoolboy for two.  Jericho responds with a quick enzuigiri for a two count.  Jericho lands rights and a surfboard stretch.  Kofi fights up to his feet, but Jericho knees him in the gut, lands his one handed bulldog then goes for the Lionsault, which Kofi dodges.  Kofi answers back with a standing hurricanrana pin for two, then follows with signature chops and a back kick.  Kofi hits the ropes, but Jericho nails him with a clothesline and a chop.  Kofi is whipped to the corner again, but he sneaks out the corner and kicks Jericho then scales the top rope.  Kofi lands a cross body, but Jericho rolls through for two.  Back on their feet, Kofi hits the SOS for another two.  Kofi hops on the middle rope and splashes the back of Jericho as he is bent over.  Kofi follows with the Boomdrop.  Kofi readies for the Trouble in Paradise, but Jericho catches the foot and goes for the Walls of Jericho.  Kofi spins out and heads to the apron.  Kofi springboards at Jericho, but gets caught in the Codebreaker.  Jericho follows with a Walls of Jericho (Liontamer style) for the win.

Winner: Chris Jericho via submission

Jericho screams into a mic for people to pay attention to what he’s done.  He will be the WWE Champion.  Jericho says Punk’s family is extreme – Dad is an extreme drunk, sister is an extreme drug addict, etc.  Punk is an extreme disappointment and he will get an extreme beating.  Jericho says he has had a gift sent to Punk tonight to help him cope with his impending loss.  Jericho says that he alone is the best in the world at everything he does.  Glad to see that verbiage back in the mix.

Lesnar night begins:  Lesnar’s debut at Backlash 2002, demolishing Jeff Hardy, is played.

John Lauranaitis is on the phone in the back, apparently excited (but who can tell with Johnny).  Eve enters and Johnny makes her an Executive Admin.  Apparently being a wrestler in WWE isn’t good enough for her. 

Lesnar’s sit down interview from last week is replayed – This is the point at which I start getting annoyed by time filling.  This interview actually gets shown AGAIN later in the night.  This is 6 minutes that could have been given to some up and comers, some younger guys, some high energy guys or ANYONE on the roster to get some TV time.

CM Punk is in the back and his Jerigift was a liquor basket, which he happily gives to Josh Matthews, but takes a bottle of Jack Daniels and holds it in his hand.

A replay of Lord Tensai defeating John Cena last week is played.

Match 2 – R-Truth vs Lord Tensai

Tensai has an inset promo, entirely in Japanese.  We’re long past the point in wrestling where this gets a guy attention or heat.  Be much better to have him just cut the promo in English and explain his time in Japan.  Truth does his damndest to land some offense, but we get the usual extended squash from Tensai: Body attack in the corner, repeated headbutts in the corner (Which the crowd “YES”s for with each hit), a stalling butterfly suplex, a senton and the still-unnamed Chokebomb/Derailer.  As a slight change of pace, Tensai goes to the corner and sprays green mist on his hand, then applies a head claw to Truth, leans him across his knee to pose, then stands Truth back up and delivers a Head Claw STO for the pin.

Winner: Lord Tensai via pinfall

Kane is out, telling us that Extreme Rules is his favorite night of the year.  Yes we get it, you’re a monster raaaaar.   Kane proved at Wrestlemania that Orton can’t beat him with rules, so what chance does he have without them?  Kane tells Orton that he is struggling with his humanity and that he’s no man; he’s just a scared little boy.  Orton appears on the Titantron with Paul Bearer tied to a wheelchair.  Orton rolls Bearer into a walk in freezer and slams the door.  Kane says the Devil is his real father, so Orton can do what he wants to Paul Bearer.  Orton ends up on the ramp and they fight.  Orton throws Kane into the barrier, the ringpost and the steel steps, then grabs a pipe from under the ring and thwacks him a couple times, then once more over the barrier.  Kane hightails it up through the crowd.

Paul Bearer has died on WWE TV enough times.  This ends up as nothing more than a silly spot and making a fat man look like a prop.  Typical fare from Orton; he’s much better talking with his hands and I think we’ve heard about enough out of Kane on this.  Hopefully this is resolved on Sunday. 

A recap of Edge’s speech to Cena from earlier is shown.  Normally, I hate when they do this within the same show, as it’s just a time filler, but as it happened in the 8PM hour, which many fans may not have seen, it makes sense.

Jericho sees Alex Riley in the back, who tells him that Punk kicked him out of the locker room because he was drinking.  Jericho peeks into the locker room and sees Punk drinking from a cup with the Jack Daniels bottle on a table in front of him.  No indication of it even being opened.

Match 3 – Alberto Del Rio and Cody Rhodes vs Big Show (Intercontinental Champion) and Great Khali

Khali limps to the ring, selling the attack on his leg from Friday better than he’s ever sold anything.  The announcers interject that Rhodes will get his Intercontinental Championship rematch at Extreme Rules, but the stipulation has not been chosen yet.  Rhodes and Khali start the match.  Rhodes tries to kick Khali, but each attempt is caught and Rhodes’ knee is clubbed.  Rhodes bails to the outside and then heads back in to tag Alberto.  Del Rio kicks Khali in the leg, but takes an overhand right and a chop in the corner.  He bails to the outside and as the heels regroup, we go to break.  Back in, Del Rio and Khali are both grounded.  Show takes the tag and delivers clotheslines.  He whips Del Rio to the corner and follows with a running ass attack.  Show goes to hit the ropes to follow up like normal, but Rhodes grabs the top rope and pulls down on it, causing Show to tumble to the outside.  Show sells his leg, but clambers into the ring at a nine count.  Del Rio lands a jumping stomp and Rhodes tags in, delivering a chop block from the middle rope; never seen that before.  Rhodes continues working the leg and Del Rio tags back in.  He boots the Big Show in the head repeatedly and drops an elbow for two.  Rhodes tags back in and goes right back after the leg.  More quick tags leads to Del Rio stomping Show’s knee.  He drops an elbow on Show’s knee and grapevines it.  Show drops his other foot across Del Rio’s head to escape.  Rhodes tags in, escapes the Chokeslam and chopblocks Show.  Rhodes puts Show in the figure four, but Show chops his way out.  Rhodes quickly responds with a knee drop for two.  Del Rio runs in (no tag) and gets hit, then bails to the outside.  Rhodes goes to make the tag, but Del Rio has decided he’s had enough and leaves up the ramp.  Rhodes walks into a Brain Chop from Khali on the apron and then a Chokeslam from Big Show.

Winners: Big Show and Great Khali

Six days before his rematch, Cody gets his ass handed to him.  I sincerely hope this means he’s getting his win back at the pay per view, because Cody is a great young talent.

The Miz vs Santino Marella for the US Title is announced as the ‘pre-show’ match, to be shown on Youtube 30 minutes prior to Extreme Rules.  Sucks for Miz.

Jericho, Eve, Johnny and Teddy are in the back.  Eve apparently read the entirety of WWE policy in the 45 minutes since she was made Executive Admin and says that if Punk has had a drink within 12 hours of a show, he will be stripped of the WWE title.  Jericho of course wants Punk to be stripped, and Teddy is made to conduct a field sobriety test.    Easy to predict what happens later on, so it’s worth dealing with the awful set up.

Lesnar arrives and scares Josh Matthews by shoving him against a trailer.  Matthews mumbles that he was just trying to do his job which prompts Lesnar to jettison him through a well-placed fence.  Michael Cole makes a good call for once and mentions that Sheamus was fined for something just like that two weeks ago.  Lesnar doesn’t give a damn.

Match 4 – Nikki Bella vs Beth Phoenix (c), WWE Divas Championship match

Eve enters to “Hoeski” chants and says she’ll improve the show.  Since the Bellas are known for “twin magic” switches mid match, this will be a lumberjill match.  The sparse Divas division enters, including Kaitlyn who is barely ever on TV but not AJ, who is one of the most prominent Diva characters at the moment.

Beth dominates the early match as expected.  After escaping a chin lock, Nikki walks into a pendulum backbreaker.  Beth applies a surfboard stretch, but Nikki fights up to her feet.  She escapes the Glam Slam and hits an awkward face buster (but not the Bella Buster) for two.  Beth knocks Nikki to the floor and goes to follow, but sells her ankle in huge pain after landing.  Brie  Bella gets in her face, so Beth tosses her down, resulting in a huge dog pile (diva pile? Whatever) at ringside.   Both women get rolled in, and due to her hurt leg, Nikki is able to roll Beth up with a schoolgirl for the win.

Winner:  Your new Divas champion, Nikki Bella, via pinfall

So Nikki got a title match for pinning Beth in a non-title match three weeks ago, but AJ gets nothing for pinning both Bellas over a two week span.  That makes sense; definitely motivates the women to fight for those wins. 

Punk is informed of his impending field sobriety test and goes ballistic in the back, the stumbles and falls into one of the lockers.  Uh oh.

Teddy is in the ring and calls Punk out.  Jericho enters first, tells Teddy he doesn’t trust him and will oversee the proceedings.  Punk is a tad wobbly on his entrance and drops the title belt in the ring.  Punk tells the men in the ring that this is ridiculous and they’re not cool.  Punk must recite the alphabet backwards.  He asks if anyone in the history of the alphabet has ever done this, sober or not.  “Z, X Y…there’s a V in there somewhere.”  Punk says this is stupid.  Now he’s made to walk a line conveniently taped in the ring.  Punk’s seen Cops so he knows what to do.  

He strikes a pose and says “What movie is this from?  Yes! Karate Kid!  Thank you!”  Then he shushes Jericho so he can concentrate.  Punk repeatedly fails to walk the line and cop #2 declares him intoxicated.  Punk must hand over the WWE title.  He asks for one more chance.  He then does the alphabet backwards, while walking the line forward and back, including a Ric Flair strut.  As he winds down to “C…B…” he pops Jericho in the head with the mic and pummels him.  He takes him outside and throws him into the barrier and stairs, then kicks Jericho on the ramp.  Jericho runs for his life.

This was one of those “expected but appreciated” segments.  Nobody expected Punk to actually be drunk, so we knew how this would end, but it was entertaining, so that’s ok.  A little bit of predictability is a good thing.  Give us what we want.

Lesnar video #2 plays: Lesnar vs Hogan.  Lesnar is shown F5’ing Hogan and bearhugging the life out of him to end a match.

Match 5 – Sheamus (World Heavyweight Champion) vs Mark Henry, non-title

No ref is in the ring.  The special guest referee is introduced: Daniel Bryan!  Sheamus is not allowed to strike a ref or he’ll be fired, remember.  Sheamus puts Henry in a headlock, but is sent to the ropes and shouldered down.  Henry lands rights and sends Sheamus into the corner, but he gets his boots up.  Bryan breaks them apart and begs Sheamus to punch him in the face.  Sheamus has enough taunting and turns around, only to be leveled by a clothesline.  Henry covers and Bryan counts three in about a second flat.

Winner: Mark Henry via pinfall

Bryan leaves and throws the ref shirt at Sheamus.  Apparently this ends Bryan’s tenure as a ref for the night and Sheamus goes after him.  In the ring, Sheamus delivers a Brough Kick to Henry, leaving him open to a leg takedown from Bryan, who then delivers a kick to head and the Yeslock.  Sheamus struggles and Bryan yells “YES YES YES” as he has it locked in.  Bryan got the best of Sheamus here, so wrestling logic dictates an ass whooping in his PPV future.

Matt Striker interviews Sheamus in the back, who says Bryan proved he’s a sniveling coward and a snake in the grass.  Sheamus reminds us of what happened to all the snakes in Ireland.  Sheamus is no saint, but Bryan better start praying.

Match 6 – Primo and Epico (Tag Team Champions) vs Zack Ryder and Santino Marella (United States Champion)

Ryder and Epico open up and Ryder lands an armdrag.   Epico dodges the next and rolls Ryder up, who gets up and lands a second armdrag.  Epico then walks into a pancake from Ryder.  Ryder hits a running elbow in the corner and follows with the Broski Boot.  Ryder is on all cylinders tonight.  Primo lures Ryder outside and Epico shoves him into the ringpost.  Back in the ring, it’s a one count.  Boots are laid and Primo tags in.  He gives Ryder a snapmare, rakes his face with his boots and then kicks the back.  He settles into a chinlock, but Ryder fights up and gives Primo a sunset flip for two.  Primo tries a springboard twisting senton, but comes up empty, letting Ryder tag in Santino.  Santino opens right up with jabs, a split dodge, a hip toss and a headbutt.  The Cobra emerges and Ryder backdrops Epico from the inside out to the floor.  Santino turns around into a dropkick from Primo, but rolls right back to his feet and strikes with the Cobra for the win.

Winners: Zack Ryder and Santino Marella via pinfall

A replay of Lesnar ruining Josh Matthews’ night shows.

Kane walks by the freezer that houses Paul Bearer and goes in for him.  Paul exclaims that Kane came to save him, but Kane says he’s here to save him…from Kane.  Then he rolls him back into the freezer and closes the door.  That was a splendid waste of time.

Abraham Washington is shown and gives the Colons his business card.  He asks why their entrance was during a commercial.  Funny, we ask why champions get that treatment all the time.  Maybe we’ll get an answer eventually.

Match 7 – Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle vs Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler

This match is brought to us by Doritos Locos Tacos.  Great.  Ziggler and Clay start, but Ziggler hits his knees and asks for ‘swoggle to start.  Hornswoggle dropkicks Ziggler in the face, who answers with a boot to his tiny face.  Ziggler stomps away then lifts Hornswoggle who gives him a headscissors to the outside.  Swagger and Clay end up in the ring and Clay lands a clothesline and a headbutt.  He follows with a t-bone suplex and Vickie enters the ring and slaps him.  Way to cost your guys the match.

Winners: Brodus Clay and Hornswoggle via DQ

Vickie is apologetic once she’s surrounded and puts Clay’s hat on his head for him.  Hornswoggle bites her in the ass and everyone dances.  Yay I guess.

Lesnar video #3: Wrestlemania 19 vs Kurt Angle.  Three F5’s to finish the man and capture the title.

Lesnar’s sit down is shown in a shortened form.  This did not need to be shown twice in one night.  There’s more than enough Lesnar footage playing tonight.  Why not give some young, new talent a chance with a five minute match instead?

Johnny comes out for the contract signing.  He announces that Lensar/Cena will be the ER main event.  Once again, the world titles play second and third fiddle.  Even though Punk is from Chicago…in a Chicago street fight…IN CHICAGO.  Lesnar comes out; the reaction is mixed but strong.  Cena’s music hits, prompting the boo-chorus, but Cena does not come out.  Lesnar is mad that he had to be flown to Detroit just for Cena to no-show due to fear.  That’s fine, because Lesnar has some things to discuss with Johnny anyway.  He has a list of demands and changes.  He’s not happy with the way things are at the moment.  He’s an enterprise and WWE needs him.  From here on out, all major decisions are to be run by Lesnar.  He also wants use of Vince McMahon’s private jet.  He doesn’t like people, especially stupid people and he’s going to come and go as he pleases.  Concerning his attack earlier tonight, Brock is not to be fined; in fact, he wants a raise.  While he’s around, the show is to be called “Monday Night Raw starring Brock Lesnar”.  Johnny agrees to satiate the big baby, prompting Brock to sign the contract.  Cena’s music hits again.  Cena enters, wearing his old chain and padlock.  The dueling chants immediately start.   Cena wraps the chain around his hand and is very tentative in the ring.  Lesnar tells Cena that he can sense his fear.  Calling him a coward was enough, and Cena signs the contract and tosses it at Lesnar. 

Lesnar flips the table and the men circle it, then Lesnar leaves.  Cena does not speak a word and barely changes his expression.  No smug smile, no grin, no happy-go-lucky Cena.  He’s threatened.

One of the better contract signing segments in a long time – Brock is a primadonna and makes ridiculous demands, but gets what he wants from the heel boss.  Cena appears to be sincerely scared of him; maybe he really was broken after the loss to the Rock.  As is typical with a 3-hour Raw, a bit too much time filling, but they solidified where Cena and Lesnar stand.  Both guys seem confident that Lesnar is going to kick Cena’s ass, which is really what has to happen for this to go anywhere.  Sheamus and Bryan, as well as Cody and Show got a little too physical tonight.  Sheamus and Bryan have a 2/3 falls match on Sunday – there’s going to be a ton of physicality there.  Nikki Bella, who is supposedly leaving the company, wins the title; I’ll hold out hope that this is a way to get it in AJ’s direction sometime soon.  Punk got the best of Jericho, which does not bode well for him leading into a WWE Title match.  He won in Chicago last year at Money in the Bank, and with Rock claiming he’ll be WWE Champion this year, now seems like the time for Jericho to screw Punk out of the title.  Compared to most 3-hour Raws, this was strong, and at the least, we got to see CM Punk do a Ric Flair strut.