WWE Smackdown Lowdown 3/9/2012

Friday Night Smackdown – March 9th, 2012

For some reason, tonight we’re not given a countdown for Wrestlemania.  By my count, we’re 22 days out.  It’s crunch time; angles need to be finalized (to be fair, the whole uppercard actually is finalized by this point), promos need to be cut and shows need to open strong.  Which is, of course, why we’re greeted by John Laurinitis and David Otunga in the ring to open Smackdown.  A cage is lowering as Mr. Excitement brags about Teddy Long never giving away a cage match.  That’s right, John; Teddy never gives away what should, by all rights, be a main event level match type to open his show.  The participants for our steel cage opener?  A rematch for the United States title that Santino Marella captured this past Monday.

Match 1 – Cage Match - Jack Swagger vs Santino Marella (United States Champion); United States Title Match

Swagger enters with Dolph and Vickie flanking him; shenanigans shall be afoot in this one.  Recapturing the personality he lost with his World Heavyweight Title run, Swagger does his pushups AND his line crossing bit.  Swagger’s new haircut makes him look like a 6’6, 250lb Beaver Cleaver.  Awful.  Santino enters after a couple of pre-match laps around the cage.  Michael Cole has Laurinitis’ head cutout on paper and on a stick.  That’s as much reason as we got for that, so I’m going to ignore it.  Santino opens the match by dodging Swagger.  During this exchange, the size difference between the men is obvious; Swagger is a big, big man.  He’s the type that makes no sense to be on a losing streak; above many other roster members, Swagger looks like the type of guy that would outright kick your ass.  After a couple of ‘usual’ cage bumps, Swagger grabs Santino for a short-arm clothesline.  Santino dodges a second one and runs to climb the cage, but gets caught and thrown like a lawndart into the cage wall.  He quickly recovers and catches Swagger with a typical Santino split -> hiptoss -> headbutt combination.  Instead of saluting, Santino did what can only be described as a “Flair Flop headbutt”.  The cobra comes out, which draws Ziggler to grab onto the cage; Santino answers with a cobra to each set of knuckles, which Ziggler sells like a hit with a hammer.  Ziggler is sent away from ringside by the referee as Santino cobras (that’s a verb now) his way out of a belly-to-back suplex attempt from Swagger.  A commercial break leads us into Swagger being control on the return.  Santino tries to counter with a schoolboy and a sunset flip, but ends up eating a drop toe hold into the turnbuckle, followed by a Swagger Bomb.  Santino recovers after Swagger gets crotched mid-escape and lands a tornado DDT.  Santino runs for the door, but Swagger catches him twice, the second time breaking out the Ankle Lock.  Vicki prepares to slam the door on Santino’s head, but he rolls through the Ankle Lock and she ends up tagging Swagger.  Santino rolls out to escape for the victory.  Of note, the shot from the cage door landed the pipe, not the mesh on Swagger’s head; that had to hurt.

Winner: Santino Marella retains the United States Championship via cage escape

Santino is greeted by Teddy  Long for a hug (He is, after all, still the assistant to the general manager of Smackdown) and the fans go nuts.  They really do love what most people see as a ‘joke’ wrestler.  A mid card title run gets him more camera time, more time to cut his fun promos and more time for the fans to see his signature spot.  No real detriment there.

Cut to Otunga and Laurinitis in the back, enter Teddy Long.  Laurinitis demands an apology for Long “Pushing him on his butt”.  Laurinitis is still booking Aksana vs Kane.  Teddy and Laurinitis will wrestle for Aksana vs Kane; as per Laurinitis, if Long wins, the match will happen.  In other words, Laurinitis wants Long to lay down for him.  These guys aren’t active wrestlers, so a loss on the books isn’t all that embarrassing.

Raw Rewind to HBK/HHH on Raw.  Undertaker and Michaels will be on Raw together.  Until ‘Mania, we will likely see every possible combination of these three men in the ring to tease tension.

Drew McIntyre enters, with music and Titantron.  A fired man can contact the production truck, request an entrance and nobody seems to have an issue with this, apparently.  Laurinitis is giving him a chance to win back his job.  Khali enters, much to the chagrin of Drew.   Otunga then comes out and tells Khali to sit, because Drew’s opponent is…Hornswoggle!  So why send Khali out at all?  Also, I (and I can only imagine so very many of you) saw this coming a mile away.

Match 2 – Drew McIntyre vs Hornswoggle

Drew drops Hornswoggle with a leg wheel trip, which Hornswoggle took like a DDT from Raven.  Drew proceeds to scoop slam and pin Hornswoggle, only to pull him up at a two count.  Drew repeats this, then drops Hornswoggle with a rib breaker and tosses him to the side, at which point the ref stops the match. 

Winner: Drew McIntyre via referee stoppage

McIntyre celebrates at a Daniel Bryan level.  Khali hops in and gives Drew a Brain Chop for his troubles, because apparently Khali is concerned for Hornswoggle.  We’ll never revisit this.

Long is prepping for his match, and Aksana comes in to tell him “Teddy, I’m scared Kane” (and no that isn’t a typo).  Teddy is prepared to teach Ace a lesson.

Laurinitis is shadow boxing like someone who’s never thrown a punch in his life.  So to prepare for a wrestling match, where closed fists aren’t allowed, Johnny is shadow boxing.  Pay attention, Board of Directors.

Match 3 – Ezekiel Jackson vs Mark Henry

Both men start out hammering away at each other.  The ref pops into view and it’s a new ref!  For some reason, my fiancée popped for this and I promised I’d tell the world.  New ref is almost as fat as Todd Sinclair (of Ring of Honor), but I guarantee he doesn’t move like him!  Henry takes control of the match, big scoop slam on Zeke.  Henry whiffs an elbow drop, Zeke comes back with his repeated clotheslines in the corner, then walks into the World’s Strongest Slam for three.

Winner: Mark Henry via Pinfall

I imagine they want to make Henry still a credible threat, and Michael Cole declares this an impressive win.  David Otunga beat Ezekiel Jackson in half the time, two shows in a row.  What part of this was impressive?

As we move toward John Laurinitis vs Teddy Long, Cole mentions this being Laurinitis’ first match in WWE.  This is true; he wrestled in Japan and WCW, best known as Johnny Ace.  No mention is made here that Ace, for all intents and purposes, invented the Cutter (which he called the Ace Crusher), which we’ve all seen and popped for as done by Diamond Dallas Page and Randy Orton (among countless others).  To give him some credibility, why not mention that he laid the foundation for the RKO; arguably the most popular finisher in WWE?  Because Michael Cole doesn’t do his job.

Match 4 – John Laurinitis vs Teddy Long: If Teddy Long wins, Aksana faces Kane.

Laurinitis is out in underarmor; why not wear his own Future Endeavored shirt?  Ace demands Teddy lay down, which he refuses.  Laurinitis then beckons Kane to the ring.  Why does Kane obey Laurinitis, exactly?  Orton chases out and delivers an RKO (that move you invented came back to haunt you, Ace!) to Kane outside the ring.  Laurinitis yells at Orton, and Long rolls him up with a schoolboy for three.

Winner: Teddy Long via Pinfall

Long and Aksana quickly leave the building after this.  Important here:  Apparently the RKO trumps the general manager’s decree, as Aksana should, by all rights, have had to face Kane tonight.  Also, Teddy does a better schoolboy roll up than half the roster.

Match 5 – R-Truth and Kofi Kingston vs Primo and Epico (Tag Team Champions); non-title match

Truth enters and high-fives little Jimmy (the invisible one).  Booker gives the worst Laurinitis impression ever.  The Colons’ entrance still focuses on Rosa.  Off to a great start.  Kofi and Epico start, and Kofi lands an impressive Monkey Flip; Epico can fly, even when he’s on the receiving end of a move.  Truth comes in and he and Kofi land a double hip toss, which Truth follows up on with a devastating combination of yelling “What’s up”, doing a split, hitting the ropes, doing a 360 degree dance and landing a leg drop.  Kofi reenters and the team hits a combination high kick for a two count.  Kofi goes to hit the ropes, but Primo splits the top and middle rope and Kofi takes a tumble outside.  Booker credits this idea to Rosa, with no indication at all that she had Primo do this.  So Rosa knows the ring better than Primo Colon.  Ok.  Primo and Epico quickly tag in and out on Kofi to keep him down.  Crowd rallies, but Epico hits a butterfly suplex on Kofi, which Josh Matthews reacts to with “nice throw”.  Epico slaps on an abdominal stretch, answered by the commentators as “A potential submission maneuver”.  These things all have names; I don’t know why WWE has made a conscious choice to move away from calling them anything but a “move” “throw” or “maneuver” with other qualifiers sprinkled about.  Booker T, of all people, corrects this and actually calls it the abdominal stretch.  The ref gets distracted and Kofi end sup held down by Primo, with tags teased.  Kofi lands a single leg drop kick and Truth comes in to run wild off the tag.  He hits the Lie Detector forearm, but Epico breaks up the pin.  Kofi hits Primo with a corner rope-hung kick, and he walks right into what Truth called, at last check, “The Little Jimmy”, which is his jumping complete shot.  This is good for the three count.

Winners: R-Truth and Kofi Kingston via pinfall.

Once again, the tag champs lose clean to a ‘team’ of two wrestlers stuck together because there’s nothing better for them to do.  This is why nobody cares about the non-existant tag division.  At the very least, this was a great match, so I’m willing to let this go, as long as it leads to something.

Raw Rebound to Cena/Rock.  Cena loses everything if he can’t defeat the Rock.  There’s really no logic behind this.  At all.  You’re still the biggest active star in the industry after Wrestlemania, regardless of the outcome.  Your job and career are not on the line.  This is false drama being piped in.  Admittedly though, after the last couple promos from these two, I’m beginning to become more invested in this match.

The next (and final) segment is Michael Cole interviewing Bryan and Sheamus, to lead into the main event.  I quite like when WWE structures it this way; both guys need to be out here for the match, so why have two different segments?  It’s a great natural flow.  Cole accuses Bryan of needing luck, to which he responds that when you’re good, you don’t need luck.  Bryan gets by on “the knowledge and application of scientific wrestling, a vegan lifestyle, charisma and sex appeal.”  When Bryan is left to be a smarmy heel, he absolutely shines.  Cole then asks Sheamus if it was the luck of the Irish that led him to his Royal Rumble victory.  He says he’s been lucky all his life, and people make their own luck.  AJ opts to begin speaking to which, Bryan immediately snaps “Shut up, AJ.”  He says she’s done nothing but get in the way.  Sheamus tells Bryan that he should be the one wearing a skirt in the relationship and that at Wrestlemania, his luck will run out.  The remaining wrestlers for the main event begin to enter in a heel, face, heel, face pattern.  That’s a bit different.

On the whole, this promo is great: There’s a centralized theme (Luck) with a good contrast of Bryan “not needing luck” and Sheamus saying that people make their own luck.  Bryan gets to play the heel with his egotism and telling AJ to shut up.  I can’t help but feel this continues leading to April 1^st, culminating in Bryan taking it one step too far, AJ slapping him and his walking into a Brogue Kick or White Noise.

Match 6 – Sheamus, Randy Orton and Big Show vs The Miz, Cody Rhodes (Intercontinental Champion) and Daniel Bryan (World Heavyweight champion)

This seems a mismatch: On one side, you have three men that entirely outsize their opponents, and on the other side you have both Smackdown champions.  Sheamus starts the match out by running over Rhodes.  Orton tags in and runs all over Rhodes, with the commentary team making mention of the Legacy history these two have.  This needs to be done more often, but kudos to them.  Bryan tags in and hits a corner dropkick.  Orton tags out to Show who proceeds to scoop slam Bryan who scampers over to his corner and tags out to Miz.  Miz takes a frying pan slap from Show and tags out to Rhodes.  Rhodes tags Miz back in and bails to the floor, leading to a commercial.  Back from break, Sheamus is hammering Miz.  Miz begins to fire back, but takes a rolling fireman’s carry from Sheamus.  Front dropkick from Miz knocks Sheamus outside and Bryan chases Sheamus off the apron with a flying knee.  Sheamus back in, and Bryan tags in to keep the pressure on.  Repeated knee drops onto the head of Sheamus, then tags out to Miz who boots Sheamus in the head for two.  Rhodes comes in for some stomps, followed by Bryan in for his signature chest kicks, now yelling “YES!” with each one.  I love this gimmick.  Miz comes in and hits his signature DDT, tags Rhodes back in who applies a full nelson to Sheamus.  That’s just begging for a counter and a hot tag.  Sheamus fights out, sets up for the Celtic Cross, Rhodes shimmies down for a russian leg sweep but ends up taking the Irish Curse.  Orton and Miz tag in and Orton does the usual clotheslines and powerslam.  Big Show takes Rhodes out and Bryan ends up tussling with Sheamus.  The Wrestlemania opponents have paired off, leaving Orton to counter the Skull Crushing Finale and land an RKO for the three count.

Winners: Randy Orton, Big Show and Sheamus via pinfall.

Kane comes back out to avenge his RKO earlier in the night and after a brawling lap around the ring, Orton and Kane end up fighting up into the crowd.  The copyright logo comes up and the show ends mid-brawl.  Kind of anti-climactic.

Good match, lots of quick tags from the heels and the signature spots everyone comes to see.  Nothing negative to say about this one. 

There’s still a heavy focus on the general managers, which is still leading in the direction of Team Teddy vs Team Ace at ‘Mania.  The Board of Directors really shouldn’t make decisions that way but what do I know?  The focus on the tag champs is still heavily on Rosa Mendez’s midriff and not on the Colons, who are great in the ring.  With no Money in the Bank match scheduled this year, I would wager a guess that Truth/Kofi (Boomtruth?) will face them for the tag titles at the big show.  Daniel Bryan and Sheamus are looking great heading into April 1^st and of any match, this is one where either outcome is great.  Punk should be retaining over Jericho, but either man holding the World Heavyweight Championship would be fine.  This may have been the first show with a cage match that didn’t involve the World Heavyweight Title in some fashion in quite some time; this isn’t at all a bad thing.

A look at ROH’s Tenth Anniversary show, as well as a look at the best wrestling you’re not watching will be coming soon – watch for them on the geek asylum twitter handle @thegeekasylum, as well as my own @sbfantom!