The Decline of the Sunday Funnies

As a kid I read the comics every Sunday and looked forward to it but it seems times have changed.

In the not too distant past, comic strips once provided timely and witty commentary on the current news of the world. They were generally just about how the world is strange, crazy, and funny. The days of insight have fallen by the wayside and the funnies have relegated themselves to cheap anecdotes and subjugated themselves to the lowest common denominator.

I’m not romanticizing the political cartoons one might find in the New Yorker magazine where the smug can be smelled right off the stand, just comics with social relevancy. Comics like Calvin and Hobbes, a long standing favorite of all generations, and much to my chagrin is still finding a new audience. 


It showed the world in an earnest perspective of a young child. Then we have Far Side providing non-sequiturs and pointing out some of the most absurd bits of life that we can all relate to.

           

Reading the Sunday paper recently I’ve noticed how insignificant comic strips have become. Where is the social commentary in the strips? It died years ago. Calvin and Hobbes and the Far Side pushed some social conventions and did it in anywhere from 1-5 frames.
The funnies are no longer funny.

If I see another Garfield strip referencing lasagna or him being a fat and lazy fuck, I'll flip. He should just bang Nermal and get it over with. Fat men can’t be too picky. Cathy was a fat lazy whore and Dilbert and his coworkers are incredibly inefficient. I understand there is a place in the funnies for strips like this, I really do. We all need an escape and frivolous and silly is one way to achieve it.

The Sunday funny section gets smaller every year. The decline of the newspaper certainly has something to do with this. With circulation declining it makes it much more difficult for new strips to break through. If a new strip does break through there is a decreased chance it can achieve the type of syndication and success others have had in years past.

It’s in fact something that was inevitable. Something few could have seen 17 years ago when the Internet first entered many homes in America. That this new information source would supplant our primary source of news and entertainment after hundreds of years. But it did and it ushered in a new age of “Funnies’’.

The new age of funnies is certainly a change from the past, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is a change for the worse. There are many benefits to having comics no longer tethered to publishers and syndication. No one has to worry about offending anybody and the purest of opinions can be expressed with less dire consequences.

Best of all, anyone can create them. That doesn't mean they’re worth reading, but hey it’s an opportunity nonetheless. With sites like Penny Arcade and many others there are great outlets for the art to continue albeit in a different form.

Though the days where many others and I looked forward to the Sunday paper for the Funnies, and not just the Best Buy weekly sale have passed, it doesn’t mean the tradition has too. It’s taken on a new form and been put into the hands of a new generation.

No web comic will gain the same ubiquitous recognition as their paper counterparts once did, it doesn’t take the value away from the message. Being able to tell a story and make a point in a few short sentences and images is a unique talent and one that cannot be taken for granted. All I hope for is that those continuing the tradition do so in a manner fitting of the Sunday Funnies, Make them relevant, humorous and most of all, enjoyable to everyone.

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[VIDEO] ZOMG! Breaking Dawn Part 2 teaser

I've never seen Twilight, but it's difficult to ignore its popularity. The new teaser for Breaking Dawn part 2 has been released and boy is it the most glorious 48 seconds of pasty vampires mumbling some shit. Some chick has red eyes or something, and then there is this crescendo of powerful orchestrated music. Not going to lie, sort of got a chub watching it. Not in that weird way though, but that totally normal way.

Watch the teaser and then watch the funniest RiffTrax ever made right after. To those of you who are fans of Twilight, have your multiple orgasms in 48 seconds of blissful location shots. To those who loathe Twilight, you want to grab a beer?

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I Hunger for Something More: A Hunger Games movie review

If there is one thing I cannot stand is going to a movie and not being able to be drawn into the story emotionally. I mean what is the point really?  I sat in a theater for over two hours watching a story about children killing each other and literally could care less. After reading the books I was looking forward to the story of The Hunger Games to be retold on the big screen.

To literally see the dehumanization of these children, the seeds of rebellion sowing, and the repercussions of these events. Yes, we've seen the like before in movies like Battle Royal, but I wanted to see a movie that showcased the psychological and emotional effects that placing children in a kill or be killed scenario. This movie was, in that instance a total let down.

If there is one thing I can't stand is a movie that fails to capture my emotions. I want to be on the edge of my seat rooting for the characters or swearing underneath my breath at those that I can't stand.  I honestly couldn't care less about Katniss and Peeta throughout the entire film. It never emphasized the fact that Katniss' mother was rendered useless after the death of her husband.

It never touched upon the utter hatred that Gale had for The Capitol. Did anyone ever wonder why Haymitch was a complete drunk? And it seems like Katniss is impervious to the fact that she killed not one but two of her peers without a single shred of emotion but seems to find her heart when Rue dies. The relationship with Peeta was hardly a relationship at all as you could never truly believe if Katniss was acing out the part or if she truly had feelings for him.

These are the things that get lost in translation when you go from words on a page to acting on screen. If anything the fact the there was little to no violence in a movie that was based on a fight to the death just really ticks me off. Granted this book series and the movie was aimed towards the age group that it was written for, which as it stands is the majority of its fan base.

I was older than 3/4's of the people at that midnight premiere. It seemed like the movie was catered to an audience in which it would make the most money. Which leaves some of us filmgoers, myself included, cheated out of a movie that could have been way better than it was.

I would have loved if this was an R rated film in which it showcased the harsh brutality of the games and showcased more of the real life effect it had on its participants. But I didn't get hat I wanted. Instead I got a version of Twilight that was slightly less pathetic and had way better acting. But anything could out act Kirsten Stewart...even Keanu Reeves.

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WWE Smackdown Lowdown - 3/23/2012

Friday Night Smackdown – March 23^rd, 2012

So I can tell WWE has read the past couple weeks’ worth of articles, since Josh Matthews informed us that it is 9 days until Wrestlemania 28 to open the show.  We’re close; that countdown is important.  Expect plenty of General Manager associated shenanigans tonight, as that seems to be the main storyline aside from Rock/Cena.

First thing’s first though:  Our World Heavyweight Champion has something to say.  Michael Cole now loves Daniel Bryan, since he’s an egotistical heel.  Very nice, Cole – you hated him months ago, pretty much just for existing.  Journalistic integrity at its finest, folks.  Daniel Bryan has one thing to say to the WWE Universe:  “Yes! Yes! Yes!”.  This is such a fun heel gimmick and the crowd absolutely eats it up.  Bryan gets a bit more serious and asks AJ what it’s like to love the World Heavyweight Champion.  The little lady answers “Heaven”.  She then makes the mistake of addressing him as “Danny” which draws his ire – Seems like something a wrestling crowd would just love to chant.  After some more prepared statements about Bryan’s ability as a lover (I love the idea of the heel champion prepping his girlfriend for his own interview), Bryan asks the crowd to cheer for AJ.   And even better, he’d like them to cheer for him!  Bryan thinks he’s all wrapped up, and Sheamus enters the scene.  Sheamus calls Bryan a sniveling little coward plays off of AJ’s flub, calling him “Danny Boy”, which leads to an immediate chant.  Wrestling fans are so easy to please.  He tells Bryan in no uncertain terms that he’ll kick his teeth down his throat at Wrestlemania.

First Raw replay of the night: Otunga and Santino, leading to a GM-related match-up.

Match 1 – R-Truth vs Mark Henry

Henry with the usual strong start with big strikes.  Truth starts to fight back and Henry levels him with a clothesline.  Henry tosses Truth out to the floor and tells the crowd “Taking out the trash”.  There is nothing better than a vocal heel in wrestling.  Henry palms Truth’s head and squishes it into the steel steps.  Rolling him back in the ring, Henry lands a big right hand for a two count.  Henry whiffs an elbow drop and Truth lands a dropkick to the knee.  Truth does a Miz-style DDT but only gets a one count.  Truth ascends the top rope and goes for a crossbody, but gets caught and given the World’s Strongest Slam.

Winner: Mark Henry via pinfall

Our next Hall of Fame inductee this year will be a posthumous induction for Yokozuna.  Rikishi makes an appearance in the video.  Mil Mascaras also appears on the HoF roster graphic, but I don’t believe he was ‘officially’ announced.  I guess this counts.

Raw replay #2 – The Ryder Rally.  This leads to Team Teddy in the back, and Ryder asking again to join the team.  Teddy says that Ryder’s situation with Eve could lead to too much distraction and it may not be a good idea.  To change his mind, Ryder brings in their new mascot, Hornswoggle, with a Team Teddy flag, as well as Khali, dressed as “The Great Broski”.  This is enough to convince Teddy.  If that’s enough to change his mind on a relatively important decision, maybe he’s not the man for the job?

Match 2 – AJ vs Brie Bella

Bryan and Nikki are ringside in their respective corners.  AJ didn’t get a full entrance here, which is odd, considering word is she may get a legit push soon.  I for one would be thrilled to see this, as when she’s allowed to get some momentum going, she’s actually quite good in the ring, and as seen earlier in the night, she’s not afraid to be on the microphone and she’s far less awkward or ‘actress’-like than the rest of the divas.  Bryan gives AJ a kiss for good luck.  Brie opens with a headlock and tosses AJ down by her hair.  Bryan shouts for AJ to use her speed in this match.  That’s actually good advice.  Another headlock, which AJ escapes and lands a back elbow after, but she gets caught and dropped on the top rope for a hotshot.  Brie stomps AJ awkwardly and covers for two.  She bashes AJ into the mat then interlaces hands with AJ and mounts for a two count.  AJ fights out, but eats a clothesline for her efforts.  AJ is stretched on the mat by Brie and Bryan screams at her to not tap.  I said earlier nothing is better than a vocal heel in a match; a vocal heel in someone’s corner might be even better.  “You better not tap” is a hell of a way to motivate the girl.  AJ fights out with kicks and elbows, then lands a headscissors to a fujiwara armbar (La Mistica, if you will).  Brie managed to take this simple bump, where she should end up flat on the mat, horrifically and made AJ struggle just to make her flat.  Nikki hops on the apron, there’s referee-distracting shenanigans, AJ ducks Brie and manages a schoolgirl roll up for the win.

Winner: AJ via pinfall

Booker T once again heels on a legit win by a perceived underdog, solely because she’s associated with the heel champ.  Booker has no independent thought process on the mic – he just supports faces and hates heels, without any regard for logic.  Please put William Regal into this booth!  The Bellas get in the ring and Nikki, who didn’t lose this week roots for Team Teddy and Brie roots for Team Johnny.  Nikki does an awful cheer-leading spot and makes the crowd spell.  Great use of air time.

Raw replay #3 – Ziggler pins Truth, thanks to nefarious circumstances courtesy of Vickie Guerrero.

“Excuse me!” starts our next segment, with Vickie introducing Jack Swagger.  Still not sure why she gets to introduce her clientele whenever she feels like it.

Match 3 – Jack Swagger vs Zack Ryder

Swagger comes out and does his pushups and line-cross bit, while Ryder comes out with Hornswoggle and the Team Teddy flag, which Cole heels on.  The match starts out with Swagger completely out-wrestling Ryder, which is fair enough, given his background.  Ryder fights back with a schoolboy and a dropkick, but ends up eating the turnbuckle as he runs in, followed by a big overhead powerslam from Swagger.  Swagger lays boots to Ryder in the corner and follows with a shoulder throw and a keylock.  Ryder fights out to the apron and dodges a rushing Swagger, putting a boot into his chest.  Back in the ring, Ryder gets knees up to block an incoming Swagger, then lands a forearm, clothesline and a facebuster.  Ryder hits a running elbow in the corner and the Broski Boot for two.  He sets up for the Rough Ryder, but gets caught and takes a bucklebomb and a Swaggerbomb as a counter.  Swagger lays elbows into Ryder’s ribs (becoming a bit of a signature for Swagger) and Hornswoggle chases Vickie up onto the apron.  Swagger protects her from what is apparently a vicious little person and turns around into the Rough Ryder for a three.

Winner: Zack Ryder via pinfall

Not exactly clean, but Ryder makes his return to Smackdown and gets a win over the man who took his United States Championship from him when he was injured.  The commentary booth made a passing reference to this.

Raw replay #4 (this is getting to be a bit much) – Cody Rhodes lights up the Big Show.  This leads to a 

quick “earlier today” segment with Cody saying that on April Fool’s Day the biggest fool of them all will once again choke on the big stage.  This continues to point to Show giving Rhodes his comeuppance at WM, but I still do not want to see Rhodes lose his Intercontinental title to Show.  They keep talking about Rhodes being one of the longer reigning IC champs, as well.

Flo Rida will be playing The Rock out at Wrestlemania.  This is a horrible idea:  The entrance is one of the most important parts of a wrestler’s personality.  When that music hits, you know exactly what is about to happen.  My prediction is the usual “IF YA SMELLLLL” clip will play and then Rida will play a remix of Rock’s theme.

Match 4 – Big Show vs Kane

Punches and throat thrusts to start out.  Show knocks Kane down with a clothesline and the fight goes outside.  Kane dodges a clothesline and Show ends up wrapping his own arm around the ring post.  Maybe this will play in, leading into Wrestlemania against Rhodes?  Kane lands boots and a low dropkick for one.  Kane settles into a chinlock, but Show powers out and they hit a double clothesline on one another.  Think that’s the biggest set of wrestlers I’ve ever seen do that spot. They land big rights on their knees, get to their feet and trade headbutts and clotheslines.  Show lands a corner buttbutt and a shoulder tackle (Booker T was calling for a spear – can’t call things right when they happen, so don’t bother predicting, Book) but Kane answers with a running DDT for a two count.  Kane climbs up top for his signature clothesline, but jumps into a Big Show chokeslam.  Rhodes slides in and Show tosses him out.  Rhodes runs and Show chases.  Back in the ring, Randy Orton slinks in and lands an RKO on Kane.  Faces are looking strong after this one.

Winner: Big Show via disqualification

I don’t believe the outcome of this was actually announced, but that’s not surprising at this point.  Rhodes continues to heel on Big Show, but Show saw it coming this time.  This might be the match I have the least idea of what they’ll do with at ‘Mania, and that’s not a bad thing.  Some surprises are always welcome. 

Match 5 – Brodus Clay vs Heath Slater

They tie up and Brodus drops Heath straight down, face first.  Heath fights up to his feet and dropkicks Brodus in the knee, followed by an enzuigiri.  He may be the first person to actually knock Clay down since the Funkasaurus gimmick debuted.  Brodus stands up and delivers a headbutt to the chest, sending Slater flying.  He lands a knee, a t-bone suplex and a big splash for the win.

Winner: Brodus Clay via pinfall

Starting to allow some offense to befall Brodus is important, as the dancing squash machine is getting a bit tired at this point.  Brodus’s splash looks so much better than Henry’s.

Raw Replay 5 (If they cut two of these out, AJ could have gotten her entrance) – HHH/HBK/Taker

The Lord Tensai spot replays, which is one replay that’s actually okay by me.  At least it’s for a new comer.

Match 6 – The Great Khali vs Dolph Ziggler

Each man enters with his GM.  Christian is on commentary.  A heel on commentary?  With a vested interest in the combatants?  I wonder what will happen!  Ziggler opens with strikes that have no effect.  After a tumble outside, the men end up back in the ring and Ziggler takes frying pan chops from Khali.  Ziggler gives Khali a dropkick and locks in a front chancery.  Khali tosses Ziggler off and gives him a clothesline.  Ziggler dodges the Brain Chop and locks on a Sleeper and the bell immediately rings.  Lauranaitis just montreal-screwjobbed Khali, apparently.  Teddy disagrees and restarts the match, but Ziggler makes no effort to reenter, so Khali wins.

Winner:  The Great Khali via countout

Kofi and Santino run out and toss Ziggler into the ring to take a Brain Chop to end the segment.  On their way, they bump Otunga and he spills his coffee.  That part was far more entertaining to me than it should have been.  Nobody really looked great here leading into the 12-man tag match.  Ziggler looked great in the ring, but he can take a broomstick to a five star match, so that goes unsaid.

Match 7 – Sheamus and CM Punk (WWE Champion) vs The Miz and Daniel Bryan (World Heavyweight Champion)

Sheamus and Bryan to start, but a quick tag out to Miz.  We’ll see a lot of that tonight.  Sheamus with a big headlock takeover.  Sheamus blocks a hip toss attempt and delivers a clothesline.  A tag out to Punk, who comes off the top with an axe handle to Miz’s arm and a scoop slam.  Punk continues the attack with an arm wringer and tags to Sheamus, who delivers an over the top rope shoulder block.  Sheamus lands an early Irish Curse backbreaker, but Bryan breaks it up, drawing Sheamus to chase him.  Miz knocks Sheamus to the floor and Bryan delivers a low dropkick to Sheamus – the same kick that cost Sheamus a match one week ago.  With a face in peril on the floor, it’s the perfect time for a commercial break (it’s really not).  

Back from break, Miz delivers a boot to the face and slaps a chinlock on Sheamus.  Sheamus fights out and lands a back body drop, then tags in Punk.  Punk lands a flying clothesline, a neckbreaker, a knee and bulldog in the corner and climbs to the top for an elbow drop.  Bryan distracts and this leads to Miz landing his swinging DDT and tagging in Bryan, who is met with “Danny Boy” chants (told you!).  Bryan kicks Punk and lands knee drops.  He then wrenches Punk’s arm back and delivers another knee drop for two.  Bryan stretches Punk with a surfboard, but Punk fights up and chops Bryan, only to get cut off with a knee to the gut and a kick to the back.  Miz tags back in and lands a knee lift for two.  Punk fights back with rights, but Miz catches him for the Reality Check.  Punk escapes the neckbreaker portion of the combination and lands a big kick to the head.  Miz makes the tag first, but Punk dives for Sheamus – our Wrestlemania opponents are finally in the ring together.  Bryan turns tail to tag Miz, but nobody is in his corner, since Punk kicked Miz’s head clean off his shoulders.  Sheamus runs wild on Bryan and lands forearms and a powerslam.  Miz finally makes it back to the apron and Bryan makes a desperation tag.  Sheamus again gives chase, but this time he gets the better of his opponents and delivers a Brogue Kick to Miz for being in the way.  That’s good for a three count.

Winners: Sheamus and CM Punk via pinfall

So there’s Smackdown with just over a week left until the big show (which will feature The Big Show).  Teams Teddy and Johnny exchanged actual wins and settled for a silly count out to round out the threesome.  AJ is on a bit of a roll, backed by her champion boyfriend – for her sake, I hope something comes of it.  Brodus Clay continues to be a monster, but actually receives a tiny bit of punishment this week.  Brodus happens to be my pick for ‘unannounced match’ at Wrestlemania.  Big Show and Randy Orton looked strong against their respective ‘Mania opponents this week.  Far too much Raw Replay time this week for my taste – I’d much rather see some matches get more time or a potential-push recipient like AJ actually get to make her entrance.  Seven matches sounds like a lot for a two hour show, but 4-5 of them clocked in under five minutes.  More wrestlers wrestling leading into Wrestlemania isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it’d be a welcome change.

We’ll have some Geek Asylum Wrestlemania predictions coming up this week for you – Please chime in via comments or Twitter (@thegeekasylum and @sbfantom) and let us know what you think will happen and what you think of what we think!

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DC Comics: Justice League and SHAZAM!

Justice League #7 brings on two new arcs this month, the first official storyline for the newly formed Justice League, and each issue from here on until further notice will feature a storyline for SHAZAM! as well.So now that our initial storyline for the Justice League is over, where does Geoff Johns take us? Let's take a look into what issue #7 has to offer.

[SPOILERS BELOW]

Justice League #7 brings us into the next major arc, which everyone must be wondering what it will be. We don't know if the story will introduce more members, less members, a big villain, internal struggle- we just don't know. Well, when you're done with the issue, you have an idea to say the least.

The Justice League, as a concept, begin to stir the public thoughts. There are several accusations that a police force or government is no longer necessary, as the Justice League can clearly handle anything. Enter John Trevor, the boyfriend of Wonder Woman and public liaison to the Justice League. We see him talking with the courts and the public to calm their thoughts on several occasions. What we also see is that the Justice League clearly trusts this guy, as they each communicate with him while Wonder Woman has a Skype conversation with him. Why Skype you say? Well that's the other big reveal in this issue- the floating station in orbit above Earth is back! We get to see the new League talk and interact in a relaxed state, and as you can see from the image to the right that there may be a few bits of tension or playful banter already developing.

That's about all you're going to get out of this issue, as the only other reveal is a small unrevealed villain conversation about using John Trevor to defeat the Justice League. Overall it is a really good story to blend the two arcs together and provide a nice steady transition. Not too slow, not to fast, just the way it needs to be.

But wait- There's more! At the end of this issue, as I already mentioned, SHAZAM! makes an appearance. Previously, Shazam was not going to be in the new universe beginning with the New 52. However, it seems we are getting SHAZAM! back in action, with mini-issues in the back of Justice League. This issue reveals Billy Batson, a boy who has been to many foster homes and somehow has screwed them all up. He has found a new pair of parents, and while he hasn't moved in with them yet, he's made it clear he doesn't want to be where he currently is. The issue ends with a montage of future screen shots, all leading to Billy Batson eventually becoming SHAZAM!

Get the issue. I don't think there's going to be a single issue of this series that you'll be ok in skipping. Just get it, enjoy it, and look forward to next month. Every. Single. Time.

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Zombie Survival 101: From A to Z

You think that having a zombie apocalypse is awesome. Your backseat or trunk has a bag full of supplies. You keep the Zombie Survival Guide in your glove-box or some other easy-to-reach place. And why do we have this fascination over zombies? Because it doesn't really exist - you play Resident Evil or Call of Duty and come out looking like a sexy bad-ass, or you watch Walking Dead where all you can do is scream "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT YOU ASS-HAT?! DO [insert action here] INSTEAD! Good God!" Seriously though, how would you react if it started to happen?

And is it even realistic? Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm going to tell you what to do and how to be prepared. Even the CDC is on this bandwagon. The bad news is that (un)fortunately yes, it is very possible. And guess what else? It exists.

HEATHER, HOW COULD A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPEN??? I HAVE TO KNOW RIGHT NOWWWWWWWW!!!

Ok, no need to shout! Let me give you a couple of facts:

First off, too late - Neurotoxins, and I know we're not unfamiliar with that word. Sounds stupid, sounds "smart" but cliche, however the word zombie comes from Haiti (originally zonbi or nzumbu in some dialects), and Haiti's known to do some crazy shit in the first place. What neurotoxins are we talking about? Some fish and other animals have poison that will bring a person to practically dead level to the point where a person would be pronounced dead. Take Romeo and Juliet for exmaple.

There was a guy named Clairvius Narcisse, pronounced dead by 2 doctors and was buried in 1962. He was found wandering around his village 18 years later. Local voodoo priests were using natural chemicals to zombify people and put them to work on the sugar plantations. This sounds sick and almost too good to be true, but don't worry - I'll include my sources so you can read it and weep... tears of joy (if you're sick in the head).

Resident Evil wasn't too far off with their parasite theory. There's a parasite called toxoplasma gondii that infects rats and is bred inside of cats. Toxoplasmosa gondii is not like a ringworm or anything like that. This... thing is cruel, relentless, and well, a parasite. Did I mention it's a mind controller? Once the parasite infects the cute little fuzzy thing, flips a switch inside the rat's brain, making the rat run to wherever the cat is to be EATEN. AND THE STUPID RAT DOESN'T KNOW IT.

But why does that happen in the first place? Well, you know that cats don't eat dead prey, so this parasite infects a cat's soon-to-be meal due to the Darwinism theory. Cats have to eat too, ya know! So ok, I know what you might be thinking - it's a rat. It's a bug that only infects rats. But what little fuzzy thing do scientists use in laboratories to test drugs? Rats. Why? Because they're so much like us.

So what would it take to infect the human race, and why is this even relevent at all? Folks, I have some bad news. Toxoplasma gondii infects a crapton of people. Let me give you some statistics -
A study was done between 1999 and 2004 in the US and was shown to affect roughly 10% and another study showed about 22%. Out of about 240 people in rural France, 47% of subjects were found infected, and 75% of El Salvador's population is infected.

While most symptoms are very minuscule, like ADHD, fever, and similar flu-like symptoms, it is occasionally severely fatal or have dire side effects, like liver problems, jaundiced eyes and back of head. All it would take is a more evolved form of the parasite and we'd have a catastrophe. Don't think it's possible? It wouldn't take much to do to us what happens in a rat - no self-preservation, instinct, or rationality. We'd be kinda screwed.

Mad Cow disease is a pretty good one. It does exactly what it says - a virus infects a cow, affecting its spinal cord and brain, and just goes berserk. We eat cows, don't we? If it goes through the food, we're screwed. If it evolves into a disease that comes by blood-to-blood or saliva contact, all it takes it one bite. Rats have done this very thing in a study - just turn and each other alive. Humans are a well-working machine, but if one chemical was off in our brain, that's all it'd take.

The theories go on and on and on, but there's your scientific facts of the day. You can now sound really smart to all of your friends thanks to me (and all the sources I got my info from, of course!) So that being said, I'm sure you don't really wanna just watch this all go down, drinking a Starbucks latte with a pleased smile on your face, do you? Oh wait, you do! You're so prepared with your med-kits and your survival guides. Welp, I don't think sitting in your car, man-handling your glove-box for your guide and reading it while one of these mindless drones attack your car, do you? No, didn't think so.

ZOMBIE SURVIVAL 101: KILL OR BE KILLED, BUT NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT

The CDC (Center for Disease Control) recently put out an article on what to do. I totally understand putting that out of humor is all in good fun, but these guys don't mess around. These guys know everything I just stated and then some, so while the rest of the world laugh at it or whatever, with possibilities like this, it's not exactly far-fetched. So what does the CDC say to do?

•Water (1 gallon per person per day)
•Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
•Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
•Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
•Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
•Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
•Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
•First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

So, now you've got everything you need. Doesn't hurt if you have a couple of extra things, but just make sure that you include every essential, just in case you need to trek it by foot. Also for your zombie safety, the CDC advises to make an emergency plan for when the zombies are actually at your door. Very simple instructions and hopefully that you've already prepared for in the event of some other natural disaster, but if they didn't teach you that at school or have a family sit down with a house and a town map, Geek Asylum is here to help:

1.Identify the types of emergencies that are possible in your area. Besides a zombie apocalypse, this may include floods, tornadoes, or earthquakes. If you are unsure contact your local Red Cross chapter for more information.

2.Pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home…or your town evacuates because of a hurricane. Pick one place right outside your home for sudden emergencies and one place outside of your neighborhood in case you are unable to return home right away.

3.Identify your emergency contacts. Make a list of local contacts like the police, fire department, and your local zombie response team. Also identify an out-of-state contact that you can call during an emergency to let the rest of your family know you are ok.

4.Plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don’t have a chance! This is also helpful when natural disasters strike and you have to take shelter fast.

This could be a really super long article, but I'm being nice to the very unlucky few that might have zombies at their door right now and just need some quick and easy-to-follow instructions. However, if you find yourself astonished or even further obsessed with this likely event, I've included the sources below so you can get yourself further edumacated.. educama... nevermind.


Sources and stuff:


Biology Online
CDC
technovelgy
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/%20

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First Look: Kid Icarus Uprising

Kid Icarus Uprising is a new 3DS game released March 23rd 2012. It's one of the newest and most anticipated titles released this year, so you must be wondering- is it worth getting. We got it, we played it, and we're here to give you the first inside look from a player's perspective on what you'll get out of purchasing the game.

So here's my story. I got an e-mail from Gamestop on March 21st saying the new Kid Icarus Uprising game was available now. Don't believe me? Here's the exact ad I got in an e-mail:

So anyway, I head over almost immediately to get the game. Not only was the ad wrong, releasing the game Friday March 23rd, but I was massively disappointed. This did mean, however, that I got to put a pre-order in. So what do you get when you pre-order this game? Another game! That's right, for pre-ordering Kid Icarus Uprising, you got a free download of "3D Classics: Kid Icarus" for your 3DS. So if you didn't pre-order it from Gamestop, I feel kind of bad for you.

Fast forward to release day. I got the game, and at first I was sketchy on what came in the box. You get the game (Duh), a 3DS Stand (more on this later), and a package of AR cards. The AR cards are random, as no two boxes should, theoretically have the same cards. I won't spoil my own pulls (there's 6 total), but since the identification numbers on two of the cards I did get are AKDE-001 and AKDE-220, I can only imagine that there are quite a few. Now while this seems all well and good, these are in-game AR cards, used ONLY for unlocking idols (collectibles) in the game. That's right- they are not compatible with your AR GAMES application already on your 3DS.

Very bad Nintendo, very bad. I can only hope there's an update later, but for now I shall relish in the disappointment. At least I can trade cards with friends though, as that seems to be all that Nintendo is good for these days..You can also battle these cards, facing the two arrows on cards to each other, and if they are both on screen they will battle each other. It's pretty cool to see, but beyond that, I don't think you're going to get much out of these...


So on to the other odd inclusion- the 3DS stand. It's a simple stand, that displays your 3DS system like one of grandma's expensive dishes. I really don't know why we need this, as all it is plastic and holds your system, but apparently some people use it. I guess it's good for keeping your 3DS off a dirty surface, a resting spot if your hands get tired, or if you want to watch a movie on Netflix or play something less-intensive like a Pokemon game, it's ok to have. But hey- it was free in the game box, so who's really complaining?

Now let's look at the game. When you start it up and watch the intro video, you find out right away that there's speech in the game. Cool! Playing through a few levels, I can tell you that Pit and Palutena do have conversation while you're playing as well as a few other characters. There are two game modes of the game that you'll be interested in: Solo, and Together.

Solo Mode is your basic story mode, controlling Pit through his adventure trying to stop the evil Medusa. Keep in mind, I've only just beat the second stage. So far, I enjoy the game, but the controls are pretty tough. You have to use the joystick to move, the L button to fire, and the touch pad to aim. On the touch pad is where you see notifications, characters that are talking, and any powers you have. As long as you don't touch the powers, the touch to the touch screen corresponds to the aiming on the top screen, where your focus of what you're doing it.

The camera is very shaky, and to me the most difficult part of the game, using the touch screen to swipe the screen and rotate the camera accordingly. If you were to ask me a controls rating I'd give it a 2/10, as it is easily the toughest controlling I've ever had, even with the 3DS stand attempts. The game itself is a basic RPG, moving through levels and fighting enemies, with occasional help. Battles are open world, so you might just find an enemy or they might appear in front of you. If you've ever played a game like Kingdom Hearts, Super Mario, Legend of Zelda, or Sonic The Hedgehog, think along those lines. The levels are split into two types- Land Mode and Air Mode. In air mode you're flying, and on land mode you're glued to the ground. Each have their own specific on-screen display, and so far I like Air Mode the best, although the levels are short and have a specific length and time.

Together Mode is your basic online multiplayer, giving you mediocre multiplayer fun. At one end, you get to battle people both near and far, but on the other end it is wireless so find a good connection to do so. Unfortunately, if you're a total newbie or not good at this game, don't bother. There's no ranking system, so you could go into multiplayer first and get wrecked by someone with a super-weapon with amazing qualities while you try with a sword. If you're wondering what my first online experience was like, you just read it.

Other game qualities include various weapons, such as bows, blades, clubs and so forth, and the weapons are customizable. You can get various weapons and fuse them to make new ones, or buy them with hears, the in-game currency. You can also dismantle weapons into hearts, in case the weapon doesn't really do much for you. There's also a practice area, so if you make a new weapon and want to try it out, feel free. You can get powers and weapons also from the rewards section, after doing certain objectives in the game. You also get idols this way, another collectible feature and the things you got from redeeming your AR cards from the game.

Lastly, there is a street-pass option, where you trade "gems" with people. Think of gems as those capsules you bought as a kid for 25 cents- inside is a weapon from your inventory and you trade it to other people. Pretty neat, huh? You get some in return, of course.


So what else do you want to know about this game? I've only gotten to the third level, received a few rewards, and no street-passes yet. I'm going to give the game a try, it' definitely fun and I like the challenge it gives. Will it get better, will it get worse...time will tell. If you didn't pre-order it, I'd save your money for a month or two, get it a little cheaper or at best rent it from somewhere before you make a commitment.

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5 Reasons I Can't Stand the First Person Shooter Community

A first person shooter is a video game set where the perspective is you as the character. You move around as though the screen is exactly what you would see through the character's eyes as though they were your own. You are the character, and in these games you carry a gun. Many of these games include the option to play online with a community of players in competition or cooperatively. These games are good games, but I just can't stand this community of gamers anymore, and here's my top 5 reasons why!

DISCLAIMER: Before anybody actually reads the following and starts to hate me for writing this, please keep in mind that the content below is coming from a person who avidly plays and enjoys first person shooter games. My main focus here is that I don't like the majority of the other people that I interact with on a daily basis when playing these games.

5: The Sheer Size of the Community 

Some people may say that the bigger the community is, the better. I tend to look at it in the opposite manner. A bigger community only means that there is more room for the douche-bags to come and go as they please.

I’m not saying that developers should limit the size of community, that would just be awful,but the bigger and bigger these things gets the more chance of you running into a total ass wipe online. Before you know it you are yelling and spitting racial slurs at the game for no good reason. Take my word for it folks, I’ve seen good men fall victim to this vicious circle. 

4: Disregard for the Ratings

Shouldn't you kids be playing Mario Party!?

One thing that is synonymous with the first person shooter community are the 10 to 12-year-old kids that log on every day to play and kick each others' asses. Then scream over Xbox LIVE in an ear piercing, glass shattering pitch that any person over the age of 17 throws their mic off of their head as a quick escape to what sounds like a lambent wretch having a bitch fit.

That isn’t even the official reason as to why these kids shouldn’t be playing these games. Most first person shooters are rated “M for mature” which means that children under 17 should not be playing this game due to inappropriate content. This is addressed to all the parents out there that let their kids play these games.

Do you not realize what complete nuisances your children are being online!? I mean come on parents, step up to the plate and take out the (maybe) 15 seconds it takes to read the god damn rating on the back of the box before purchasing the game for your youngster. Although the kids aren’t the cause for the problem (THEY ARE THE PROBLEM!) they are god damn annoying to deal with on a daily basis.

3: A generation of fat people

With my previous rant in mind, young children are playing these games more and more each year. Because, yes, if you didn’t know already a new Call of Duty game does come out every single year. And with the release of each CoD game more and more people end up spending their money on it. For example, the new CoD game that came out this past November, Modern Warfare 3, was literally the biggest release in entertainment history. That game outsold any other game, movie, or album that has ever hit the shelves. With that being said, more and more people are playing them.

When I say people I mean 10-12 year old kids that have nothing better to do. In case you didn’t see this already, video games kind of makes people fat if you don’t pace yourself the right way. And with millions upon millions of kids playing these each year, its only forging a path to Twinkies and Taco Bell. It’s quite literally causing an entire generation to swell up like that bitchy girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory until they need to roll everywhere as their primary means of transportation.

2: Greed

One thing that is a must for any developer of a first person shooter is DLC (Downloadable Content) that goes along with the game. Look at the Battlefield franchise, the CoD franchise, Halo, Mass Effect…hell, any game with a gun in it! Granted, there is nothing wrong with expanding on a solid game that everyone enjoys. However, take your time with the damn thing!

I know I am constantly referencing CoD, but it is the most relevant to the point that I am trying to get across. Call of Duty Elite charges $50 for a season of content which spans out a total of 9 months. In the 9 months of content you get multiplayer maps and maybe the occasional spec op mission here or there. The thing is though, it comes out every month. So far it just feels like Elite is throwing out these half-assed multiplayer maps that probably were done when the game came out. The worst part is, people still throw their money at it. They want more almost immediately after the game comes out. Give the developers some time to come out with quality DLC that everyone can enjoy. I mean, you can’t please all the people all the time…you can freaking try! 

1: Attitude

Have you ever noticed that whenever you log onto any FPS and people have mics you almost immediately proceed to have not only little lambent children screaming  in your ear but you now have people saying shit about your mother at every corner. Or how they are infinity times better then you at everything at life that has ever existed. Or they start a laundry list of why you should go off yourself because you had a bad match in whatever game you are playing. This is my number one problem with the FPS community. Everybody thinks that they are hot shit, and thanks to anonymity of the internet your stuck there either having to listen, leave the match, or mute every last douche in the game.

I play CoD and Battlefield as much as the next guy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get pissed when someone says that they railed my mother last night and that I can’t pull of a headshot for every kill thus I’m terrible at life and need to be rubbed out. So for all of you reading this who have fallen victim to this horrible trend of online gameplay, please, help put a stop to it and be nice and polite to the your fellow brothers and sisters in arms who you meet on the cyber battlefield! Let me know what you guys think in the comments below!

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Thoughts on Star Wars: The Phantom Menace 3D

What’s better than Star Wars? Star Wars in 3D! Yes, I actually paid money to see a film that I already own on VHS/DVD/Blu-ray. In fact I went to see this 3D version in theaters twice. Now I know the Phantom Menace has gotten a lot of hate, but I think this film has scenes that make it one of the more solid films in the prequel trilogy (yes…I know that’s not saying much). The 3D actually had me enjoying the film much more than I originally had. The film is pretty much exactly the same. It’s been cleaned up, like the Blu-ray version. The sound is on point as always. Sound has always been top notch when it comes to George Lucas.

3D Lightsaber Battle!

Now about the 3D… I thought this was a fantastic addition to Star Wars. The 3D was clear, and the picture had great depth to it. The best part of the 3D was the final battle scene with Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Maul. The scene was fluid and sharp and I had no issues focusing on it in 3D. The extra depth from the 3D really had the lightsaber scene pulling in the viewer. Having that scene in 3D justified paying the price to see it.

Of course the film has it’s problems, as it always did. But honestly as a whole I will always believe that this is a very solid film. Excellent fighting scenes, and a great intro into the Star Wars saga, this movie in 3D is worth seeing.

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Doctor Who: Season 7 Companion

Big news has been confirmed for the anticipated new season of Doctor Who. Many have been speculating which direction Steven Moffat, lead writer/Executive producer of Doctor Who, would take the series this fall.

Warning, Spoilers Ahead!

Moffat has announced the new companion for season 7. Jenna-Louise Coleman has been confirmed to be taking the role opposite Matt Smith (Eleventh Doctor) as the Doctor’s companion.

The announcement also confirmed that during the 7^th season current companions, played by Arthur Darvill (Rory Williams) and Karen Gillan (Amy Pond) would make their departure. As a Whovian, the changing of the companions and the doctor has always been a tough part of the series. I’ve grown so attached to Amy and Rory. They both work so well with the current doctor and I hate to see such a beautiful relationship end. But change has always been an important part of this series, and every companion will end up leaving.

I am a bit nervous for how Amy and Rory will leave the show. Speculation has been all over the Internet about their impending departure. My wish is that Amy and Rory don’t get killed off or something terrible happens to separate them from the Doctor. I’m not sure that this Whovian can handle another Rose, or worse, Donna departure. For this new companion, I’d love for her to just be a normal girl the Doctor happens to stumble upon during one of his travels. But who knows when it comes to Moffat. He loves to keep Whovians on their toes.

All I know is, I can’t wait to see what the new season, and new companion, have in store for us.

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ICON Comics: Super Crooks

 

This week we get the first issue of a new series written by Mark Millar and drawn by Leinil Yu. If you haven't heard of Mark Millar or his "Millarworld" books, maybe you should go check them out. He's written some great gems, such as "Wanted", "Kick-Ass", "Superior", and "Nemesis". He's also written some stories for Marvel and DC, notably Marvel's superhero "Civil War". Don't go by the movies, although he had a role in them his graphic novels are a must-have. This week and month he starts off his Super Crooks series, and if you haven't all ready gone to your local comic shop, you might want to soon.

[SPOILERS BELOW]

Super Crooks is a book based on the villains. We start the book off showing a bank robbery, and as the four suspects escape onto a subway, a hero known as Gladiator arrives and gets on the train and stops them. The criminals are taken to jail, and by the conversations inmates have there we know that they've been there before, and many times at that. What you're supposed to get out of this? That for every criminal, there's a hero. I'm only telling you this because the rest of the book really doesn't include any character from these first few pages, but it helps to keep it in mind for a later conversation.

The next scene we are given is based in Las Vegas at a casino. We find a man, Carmine, cheating with the help of a psychic, Walt. Their cover is blown, and the owners of the casino apprehend the two. They kill Walt in front of Carmine, and tell him that they want close to 10x what he stole from them back. Roughly 12 million dollars. And they want it in a month. 

Finally we're at a diner where a girl, Kasey, is visited by her ex-fiance Johnny, both of which are previous criminals. Previous because Johnny had gotten arrested in a jewelry heist gone wrong on the day of his wedding, hence the ex status. Carmine appears, beaten, and goes to the two for help, explaining the predicament. Apparently Carmine was a previous mentor to the two, and they agree to help in what way they can. 

The plan?They're going to be criminals. However, as the opening of this book showed, there are too many heroes for this to be a good plan. So Johnny has an idea- what if they went to a place where there were no heroes? Like Spain? And that is where the book ends. You leave this book in good shape, you have a decent plot, an unrevealed past, plenty of room for character development, and one of the best authors I've ever had the pleasure of reading from. I feel this book is a good jumping on point for a new Millar reader, as it is not too graphic (but it is graphic) and unlike his previous titles you don't end the book with either "What did I just read..." or "Oh no he didn't!". You see, Mark Millar has no boundaries in his writing, and the idea that you're given a visual representation of this is just one of the pure enjoyments I have reading his work. There's no killing in Spider-man, no cursing in Superman, and no blood in the Fantastic four. Mark Millar doesn't care, he'll have all three over a span of two pages. When you pick up his self-made titles, you'll agree- go into them without a sense of morals. 

So do you get this book? The answer is easy- Yes. It's Millar, a book from the perspective of bad guys, and you can easily get hooked. After all, there's plenty of room for jaw-dropping later.

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Book Review: The Hunger Games

NOTE: SPOILERS POSSIBLE

So with The Hunger Games coming out tonight/tomorrow if you haven't read the book, I only ask why the hell not?!? I for one must hand it to Mrs. Collins, who delivered an epic tale geared towards a young adult audience yet made it quite adult all at the same time. Unlike the Twilight Saga (which was a saga just to finish an individual page) Collins was able to capture the essence of a young 16 year old girl written from first person point of view, and not make them completely annoying.

Katniss was a girl who was relate-able, love-able, caring, and still very independent. Peeta captures the hearts of girls everywhere all while giving us gentlemen that painful reminder of what it can be like to be head over heels for a girl, who might not even know you exist. Gale is that guy who all men have been at least once, and put hard into the "friend zone" yet is he more than a friend? Even people with no siblings (myself included) will feel heart torn for Prim as she watches her sister volunteer for certain death just to protect her.

Characters like Cinna provide a very unique look into a world that is surrounded by child mayhem and murder. He gives us an insight that not all who live in the Capitol are heinous evil people who take pride in children fighting to the death. President Snow gives us a chilling feeling of watching a love-able Hitler rule with an iron fist. The prep-team are there more for comic relief than anything else, yet it is comedy that we all know isn't that funny. They are ignorant upper-class citizens who worry about cake while children starve to death in the slums. Mysterious doesn't begin to describe Haymitch. He is one character that is extremely vile and easy to hate, yet without him you wouldn't be alive yourself. He is the definition of a Hunger Games anti-hero.

The relationship between these characters and the reader gives you an insight into the world of the future where America is no more, Panem is the new nation, and slums exist as prisons. The Hunger Games is a book where no hostages are taken, you will probably want to cry, and at other times be overcome with a blood lust that you won't be able to contain it. This book is an excellent beginning to an excellent series. If I were to warn you about anything it would be starting it will lead to speed reading and the hunger to read on through the trilogy. At this point I only hope the movie will keep faithful enough to the book where I won't want to hurl a spear through the screen impaling those who blasphemed this work of art. I hope you all enjoy both, and if you didn't read it yet...what are you waiting for?

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WWE Raw Wrapup 3/19/2012

Monday Night Raw – March 19^th, 2012

The final stretch to Wrestlemania approaches:  13 short days.  Only three more shows (at least what gets shown on television) until the biggest one of the year.  A graphic reminding us that Shawn Michaels, Triple H and Undertaker will be face-to-face is shown and our WWE champion enters to start the show off strong.

CM Punk is formally announced and receives the now-expected big ovation.  A quick recap of Jericho explaining to Punk that alcoholism is in his blood from the announcers and Punk informs us that Jericho is not in the building tonight.  Punk says this shows the kind of man Jericho is.  Punk reflects on talking about his father and waits out a “CM PUNK” chant.  Punk has come to terms with his father and has accepted what he was, but it wasn’t at all Jericho’s place to bring it to the public light.  Alcoholism, as a disease, touches everyone.  Punk explains that Jericho has let loose a monster inside Punk, and now that monster is Jericho’s problem.  Punk says that our past nightmares do not cloud our future dreams.  Punk’s dad overcame alcoholism; he bested that obstacle.  Now, Jericho is Punk’s obstacle.  Punk won’t go over, around or under him; he’s going to go right through him.  Jericho appears on the Titantron, live via satellite, and apologizes for being out of line about Punk’s father.  He vows he won’t do it again.  He will, however, point out that Punk’s sister has a substance abuse problem.  He says this is all in Punk’s blood and that he will drive Punk to drink.  Punk might overcome drinking and alcoholism, but he can’t overcome Jericho defeating him at ‘Mania.  Punk yells at Jericho and the censors hit the dump button – Punk yelled to Jericho that the comment was “bullshit”, and that’s what he’s going to beat out of him at Wrestlemania.

Excellent energy to open the show and the crowd was wholeheartedly invested – booing the alcoholism, cheering Punk’s father overcoming and being disgusted with Jericho’s accusations at Punk’s sister.  This promo has me sold on this being a personal issue now, whereas in previous weeks I wasn’t entirely into it.

Back from a commercial break, Kane is mid-ring and mid-entrance, setting off his pyro.

Match 1 – Kane vs Big Show

As Big Show hits the ring, Cody Rhodes’ music immediately hits.  A goofy video of the Big Show Wrestlemania moments from the last few weeks plays as a montage.  Back in the ring, Show and Kane lock up and Show opens with body blows in the corner.  Kane throws a big boot to the head and both men grab each other for a chokeslam, resulting in them hitting the ropes and Show landing a spear.  Big Show gets on the middle rope and Cody hops on the apron, but gets shoved off.  This is enough distraction for Kane to grab Show by the neck and chokeslam him off the middle rope for the win.

Winner: Kane via pinfall

Cody quickly enters the ring and delivers the Beautiful Disaster kick to the head and then handcuffs big show in the ropes.  Cody then dons a pair of boxing gloves and absolutely lights up the Big Show, finishing with a few stomps for good measure.  When the refs break out the bolt cutters to release Show, Cody bails as Show screams after him “RUN!”.  As Show stands, he’s on spaghetti legs, selling the results of the onslaught.  Not only does Cody cost Show a quick match, he beats the hell out of him.  By the laws of professional wrestling, along with the promos Cody has run, sets him up for a loss at ‘Mania.  I said last week that I don’t see Show holding the Intercontinental Title in 2012, and I stand by that.  Please surprise me, WWE.

Match 2 – David Otunga vs Santino Marella (United States Champion), non title match

Otunga for some reason does a facsimile of Wade Barrett’s jacket-tossing entrance, but manages to get it caught around both feet up to the calves as he poses.  Please leave that spot to the professionals.  Both men are out with their respective GM’s.  Santino doesn’t take his usual lap around the ring, and heads right in – he must mean business tonight.  Or not, as Santino has painted abs on himself so he can have a pose down with Otunga.  Santino gets a charliehorse on the third pose and Otunga attacks.  Santino quickly comes back with jabs, a split dodge, a hip toss and the jumping headbutt.  The cobra comes out, but Lauranaitis slides his blackberry into the ring, which Santino lays boots to.  Santino turns around into The Verdict and eats a loss 2 weeks out from ‘Mania

Winner: David Otunga via pinfall

Long checks on Santino and Ace jaws at him, resulting in Teddy paintbrushing him and high tailing it up the ramp with Santino.  Then Teddy dances.  Not quite sure what he’s celebrating – his captain losing, or him being a sissy.  This entire thing has zero focus on the wrestlers involved, and that’s really not good for anybody, considering Dolph Ziggler is involved, who should by all rights be a top star this year and the US champion.

Quick rewind to HHH proposing Hell in a Cell at ‘Mania and a reminder that all three men will be in the ring 

together tonight.

A spot for Lord Tensai plays – he is coming soon.  As it turns out, this is going to be A-Train/Giant Bernard, who has had an excellent run in NJPW and is apparently being repackaged here.  He’s a very good big man, so welcome back.

The Rock is shown on the Titantron in front of the Rocky Balboa statue, talking about Philly being the city of ass-kickers.  He shows a picture of himself at 12 in front of the statue and self-deprecates.  He then begins to talk about the biggest stars of Wrestlemania – Hogan at WMI, Ultimate Warrior at WM6, even himself and Stone Cold Steve Austin, a match he lost.  Rock did eventually defeat Austin.  He defeated Hogan.  Now all that’s left is Cena.  If this promo accomplishes nothing else, this is a conscious effort to escalate Cena in the fan’s minds.  Rock is going to go to Pat’s (cheap pop!), get a big cheesesteak and stick it up Cena’s ass, then apparently the greats of Wrestlemania (unnamed but distinguished with a “Bang Bang!”, a “Wooooooooo!” and a “Ohhhhhh yeah, dig it!”) will thank Rock for doing this.  These are the parts of Rock’s promos that lose my attention.  That said, this was the best promo from Rock in this ‘back for Wrestlemania’ series, so all negativity aside, thumbs up from me.

Match 3 – Zack Ryder vs Daniel Bryan (World Heavyweight Champion) w/ AJ, non title match

AJ, for all her disappointed faces on Smackdown, is back to all smiles and lovey-dovey eyes for Bryan.  A clip of Ryder lobbying to join Team Teddy is shown.  Also, hell of a recovery from being in three different back braces in the last month or so, Zack.  Bryan requests (demands) a kiss for good luck and AJ obliges.  Quick chain wrestling, leading to Ryder running Bryan over, but soon after taking a knee to the gut, a kick to the back and a knee drop to the face.  Bryan stretches Ryder in the ropes, then puts pressure on his throat across the bottom rope.  Ryder fights out of the following headlock and puts Bryan in the corner for the Broski Boot.  Zack readies for the Rough Ryder, but Bryan counters, pancaking Zack down and immediately applying the Labell Lock for the win.

Winner: Daniel Bryan (World Heavyweight Champion) via submission

Bryan goes into his usual “YES!” celebration to finish the segment.  Ryder looks good for a guy who was crippled a couple of weeks ago.  The little things, like stretching Ryder the way he did, harkens back to the Daniel Bryan of old (Read: Bryan Danielson) and shows this is welcome.  If he’s going to embrace the heel run, a bit of a vicious streak is excellent.

The commentators make quick mention of Cena being in a car accident earlier in the day, selling that he might be hiding pain/aches/etc.  The fact that story broke on WWE.com raises an eyebrow, but nothing seems to be wrong with Cena.

Match 4 – John Cena vs Mark Henry

As the Philadelphia crowd usually does, Cena is met with a chorus of boos.  Cena opens by tying up with Henry, who tosses him backwards.  Cena tries a headlock, with the same result.  Henry runs Cena over with a shoulder block and lays into him in the corner.  Henry tosses Cena outside and then into the barrier.  Cena tries to roll into the ring as we go to break, but Henry stops him.  Coming back, Cena is fighting out of a hold, but eats a clothesline from Henry.  Henry lands a splash for a two count.  Henry hits a body shot in one corner and then an avalanche in the opposite one.  Henry misses the next attempt and Cena drops him with a belly-to-back suplex, followed by the Five Knuckle Shuffle.  Cena can’t quite get Henry up for the AA and tries a running cross body, but gets caught.  Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Cena goes up and over, landing behind and lifts Henry for the Attitude Adjustment, landing it for the three.

Winner: John Cena via pinfall

Rock’s music immediately hits, he paces the stage and hits the ring, delivering Rock Bottom to Mark Henry, then leaving.  This is the big message he had in store for Cena?  I can beat up a guy you just beat up?  Cena played a good babyface in peril in this match, which is a nice change of pace from the usual “Superman” routine.  The AA bump that Henry took looked painful – Cena didn’t quite get the arm wrapped around his head, so he took it pretty high on the back.

A recap of HBK/HHH from two weeks ago plays and we’re again reminded they and Undertaker are here tonight.

A clip from “Extra” runs, which breaks down to Eve and Beth Phoenix being jealous that Maria Menounos is interviewing Kelly Kelly.  It gets physical and a tag match at Wrestlemania is set.  Last time Maria was in the ring, she pinned Beth; hopefully this year is her comeuppance, as the Divas division could really stand for their champion to NOT be beaten by a non-wrestler celebrity.

Back in the ring, Miz is already out to speak his mind – He wants to be at Wrestlemania.  He doesn’t want to headline 27 and no-show 28.  He refuses to drop off that far.  He has issued an open challenge, to show Johnny that he’s Wrestlemania material.

Match 5 – The Miz vs Sheamus

Sheamus gets to the ring faster than I’ve ever seen him move, all smiles.  Miz opens with blows to the head and Sheamus begs for more.  Miz kicks at Sheamus’ leg, going for his signature DDT, but Sheamus stands up out of it, lifts Miz in front of him, then throws him up over his head onto his shoulders for a rolling fireman’s carry.  Miz makes a short come back with his backbreaker/neckbreaker combo and then puts pressure on Sheamus in the ropes, followed by a boot to the face.  Miz applies a chinlock, which of course affords Sheamus the opening to power out.  Sheamus beats Miz in the corner and delivers a powerslam.  Sheamus readies and calls for the Brough Kick, which Miz dodges, only to turn around into another one for the loss.

Winner: Sheamus via pinfall

So far tonight, Ryder has lobbied to join Team Teddy, been booked in a match and lost, which Miz has repeated.  Hopefully something comes of it for one of them, otherwise they got beat up for no reason.

A short video recaps Jericho’s accusations of Punk’s sister from earlier tonight and we are told that Randy Orton will be out next.

Josh Matthews introduces Randy Orton, who comes out onto the stage for a quick interview.  When asked how he will defeat a monster, he responds with “How will the monster beat me?”  Well that wasn’t informative, Randy.  In the span of about 90 seconds, Orton basically lays out that he’ll be able to defeat Kane because his name is Randy Orton.  Almost too basic of a promo for someone who’s been around as long as Orton.

Vickie Guerrero is out to announce the two newest members of Team Johnny, who just so happen to have a tag match next:  Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler

Match 6 – Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler vs Kofi Kingston and R-Truth

A commercial plays, and back from break, Aksana and Vickie are being separated by their respective teams (Kofi/Truth’ entrances were not shown on TV).  Kofi starts the match against Swagger, laying into him with kicks.  Kofi stops an attempted double team and lands a crossbody.  Ziggler lands a blow and Swagger lands a swaggerbomb.  Kofi is hammered in the corner and Ziggler tags in.  Kofi counters an attempted neckbreaker into a backslide, but Ziggler lands a dropkick to the face for two.  Swagger tags in and lands elbows into the ribs of Kofi, then does pushups on him.  The show-off is rubbing off on his partner.  Kofi fights out of a surfboard stretch and dives for a tag to R-Truth, but Swagger counters him.  Kofi turns this into a big elevated DDT and both teams make the tag.  Truth is all over Ziggler and lands the Lie Detector, followed by his sitout gourdbuster.  Swagger breaks up a pin attempt after the flurry.  Ziggler dodges an Axe Kick from Truth then lands a kick to the knee and his version of the Fameasser (Ziggler really needs a name for this, as the commentators never know what to call it).  Truth gets his foot on the ropes, but Vickie knocks it off, resulting in a pin.

Winners:  Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler via (admittedly dirty) pinfall

Aksana does not take kindly to this result and gets in Vickie’s face, resulting in a cat fight that Joey Styles must have been dying to call.  So at this point, there’s more focus on Aksana/Vickie and the GM’s themselves than the multiple talented guys in this 12 man tag match.  That’s irksome.

A clip from a house show at Madison Square Garden plays, showing HHH back in the ring, readying the Pedigree on Ziggler, but opting to lift him up for a Tombstone and pin him Undertaker-style.  Good message to Taker and a good call to show it on Raw, but I feel this would be way more impactful if we didn’t see HHH Tombstone Undertaker himself last year for the closest two count I’ve ever seen.

Following the clip, we’re greeted with Shawn Michaels making his full entrance.  Shawn is happy to report that even though he’s only the special referee, everyone is talking about him.  He holds the end of an era in the palm of his hand.  He asks rhetorically “Can I be impartial?” and is answered with the gong of the Undertaker’s entrance.  ‘Taker reiterates that the result of this match must remain “pure” which is ‘Taker code for “no bullshit”.  Triple H approaches the ring, making his full water bottle entrance.  HHH tells Undertaker not to worry about Shawn; it’s not about him.  It’s about HHH and ‘Taker.  Triple H explains that of the 24 Hell in a Cell matches in WWE history, 19 of them have involved Hunter and/or Undertaker.  The Cell is where HHH learned, where he thrives, where he excels.  Undertaker asks if Hunter will put it all on the line – family, career, life?  Triple H is more than happy to agree.   Before leaving the ring, Undertaker asks Triple H if he remembers a couple weeks ago when he proposed the question of whether Shawn Michaels was the better of the two men.  “He is”.  Cheap shot from Undertaker, drawing ire from Triple H and a top-notch shit eating grin from HBK.

Two weeks out from the show, this is a bit of a weak Raw.  The first hour’s wrestling action was entirely minimal.  Punk and Jericho’s promo absolutely helped to push their match forward to the forefront.  Multiple segments are dedicated to the General Managers on a weekly basis, with the focus on them and their valets, but barely on the wrestlers involved.  Cena/Rock was given a slightly different focus: Rock “needing” to beat Cena, when the verbiage was the opposite until recently.  Sheamus is still looking incredibly strong heading into Wrestlemania and they haven’t taken any silly or unnecessary missteps with his run to the title match.  Egos abound in the HHH/Taker match, which is expected and not at all unwelcome.

Coming up soon, The Geek Asylum will have some Wrestlemania predictions.  We welcome your contributions in the comments!

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