Zombie Survival 101: From A to Z

You think that having a zombie apocalypse is awesome. Your backseat or trunk has a bag full of supplies. You keep the Zombie Survival Guide in your glove-box or some other easy-to-reach place. And why do we have this fascination over zombies? Because it doesn't really exist - you play Resident Evil or Call of Duty and come out looking like a sexy bad-ass, or you watch Walking Dead where all you can do is scream "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT YOU ASS-HAT?! DO [insert action here] INSTEAD! Good God!" Seriously though, how would you react if it started to happen?

And is it even realistic? Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm going to tell you what to do and how to be prepared. Even the CDC is on this bandwagon. The bad news is that (un)fortunately yes, it is very possible. And guess what else? It exists.

HEATHER, HOW COULD A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPEN??? I HAVE TO KNOW RIGHT NOWWWWWWWW!!!

Ok, no need to shout! Let me give you a couple of facts:

First off, too late - Neurotoxins, and I know we're not unfamiliar with that word. Sounds stupid, sounds "smart" but cliche, however the word zombie comes from Haiti (originally zonbi or nzumbu in some dialects), and Haiti's known to do some crazy shit in the first place. What neurotoxins are we talking about? Some fish and other animals have poison that will bring a person to practically dead level to the point where a person would be pronounced dead. Take Romeo and Juliet for exmaple.

There was a guy named Clairvius Narcisse, pronounced dead by 2 doctors and was buried in 1962. He was found wandering around his village 18 years later. Local voodoo priests were using natural chemicals to zombify people and put them to work on the sugar plantations. This sounds sick and almost too good to be true, but don't worry - I'll include my sources so you can read it and weep... tears of joy (if you're sick in the head).

Resident Evil wasn't too far off with their parasite theory. There's a parasite called toxoplasma gondii that infects rats and is bred inside of cats. Toxoplasmosa gondii is not like a ringworm or anything like that. This... thing is cruel, relentless, and well, a parasite. Did I mention it's a mind controller? Once the parasite infects the cute little fuzzy thing, flips a switch inside the rat's brain, making the rat run to wherever the cat is to be EATEN. AND THE STUPID RAT DOESN'T KNOW IT.

But why does that happen in the first place? Well, you know that cats don't eat dead prey, so this parasite infects a cat's soon-to-be meal due to the Darwinism theory. Cats have to eat too, ya know! So ok, I know what you might be thinking - it's a rat. It's a bug that only infects rats. But what little fuzzy thing do scientists use in laboratories to test drugs? Rats. Why? Because they're so much like us.

So what would it take to infect the human race, and why is this even relevent at all? Folks, I have some bad news. Toxoplasma gondii infects a crapton of people. Let me give you some statistics -
A study was done between 1999 and 2004 in the US and was shown to affect roughly 10% and another study showed about 22%. Out of about 240 people in rural France, 47% of subjects were found infected, and 75% of El Salvador's population is infected.

While most symptoms are very minuscule, like ADHD, fever, and similar flu-like symptoms, it is occasionally severely fatal or have dire side effects, like liver problems, jaundiced eyes and back of head. All it would take is a more evolved form of the parasite and we'd have a catastrophe. Don't think it's possible? It wouldn't take much to do to us what happens in a rat - no self-preservation, instinct, or rationality. We'd be kinda screwed.

Mad Cow disease is a pretty good one. It does exactly what it says - a virus infects a cow, affecting its spinal cord and brain, and just goes berserk. We eat cows, don't we? If it goes through the food, we're screwed. If it evolves into a disease that comes by blood-to-blood or saliva contact, all it takes it one bite. Rats have done this very thing in a study - just turn and each other alive. Humans are a well-working machine, but if one chemical was off in our brain, that's all it'd take.

The theories go on and on and on, but there's your scientific facts of the day. You can now sound really smart to all of your friends thanks to me (and all the sources I got my info from, of course!) So that being said, I'm sure you don't really wanna just watch this all go down, drinking a Starbucks latte with a pleased smile on your face, do you? Oh wait, you do! You're so prepared with your med-kits and your survival guides. Welp, I don't think sitting in your car, man-handling your glove-box for your guide and reading it while one of these mindless drones attack your car, do you? No, didn't think so.

ZOMBIE SURVIVAL 101: KILL OR BE KILLED, BUT NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT

The CDC (Center for Disease Control) recently put out an article on what to do. I totally understand putting that out of humor is all in good fun, but these guys don't mess around. These guys know everything I just stated and then some, so while the rest of the world laugh at it or whatever, with possibilities like this, it's not exactly far-fetched. So what does the CDC say to do?

•Water (1 gallon per person per day)
•Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
•Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
•Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
•Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
•Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
•Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
•First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

So, now you've got everything you need. Doesn't hurt if you have a couple of extra things, but just make sure that you include every essential, just in case you need to trek it by foot. Also for your zombie safety, the CDC advises to make an emergency plan for when the zombies are actually at your door. Very simple instructions and hopefully that you've already prepared for in the event of some other natural disaster, but if they didn't teach you that at school or have a family sit down with a house and a town map, Geek Asylum is here to help:

1.Identify the types of emergencies that are possible in your area. Besides a zombie apocalypse, this may include floods, tornadoes, or earthquakes. If you are unsure contact your local Red Cross chapter for more information.

2.Pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case zombies invade your home…or your town evacuates because of a hurricane. Pick one place right outside your home for sudden emergencies and one place outside of your neighborhood in case you are unable to return home right away.

3.Identify your emergency contacts. Make a list of local contacts like the police, fire department, and your local zombie response team. Also identify an out-of-state contact that you can call during an emergency to let the rest of your family know you are ok.

4.Plan your evacuation route. When zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains), which means you need to get out of town fast! Plan where you would go and multiple routes you would take ahead of time so that the flesh eaters don’t have a chance! This is also helpful when natural disasters strike and you have to take shelter fast.

This could be a really super long article, but I'm being nice to the very unlucky few that might have zombies at their door right now and just need some quick and easy-to-follow instructions. However, if you find yourself astonished or even further obsessed with this likely event, I've included the sources below so you can get yourself further edumacated.. educama... nevermind.


Sources and stuff:


Biology Online
CDC
technovelgy
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/%20